So, it had been a week since I had parted ways with Hurty Harry’s character Sheet.
He was now a sheriff and an NPC. I was tasked with creating a new character to joing the group. Over the span of that week, the Mage had to drop out because the new term had him full time. Luckily, we had another guy who liked playing Mage, so he was in. A halfling, of all things.
He gave his introduction and all eyes turned to me after. I could feel the pressure in everyone’s gaze. Mainly the DM. I had a feeling he had promised himself not to let shit fly, this time.
Me: Okay, so… backstory, my character is a half orc *dwarf looks threatened* who was left on the town church’s front steps. He was raised by the church and is a devout member, but given his race and stature, he has been the brute squad in times of need, which is a good outlet for the rage. Now that there is A NEW SHERIFF IN TOWN *glare angrily at DM* he has been told by the head priest that it is Pelor’s will for him to travel with this group and give them aid and protection, now that the sheriff will keep the town safe.
Dwarf: You made an orc cleric that worships Pelor…
Kobold: *gives a “thanks for taking one for the team and playing the healer” pat on the back*
We all get acquianted and stock up before leaving.
Once we get out of city limits, DM makes a few rolls, followed by that noise we all know translates to “Looks like you boys have found a ripe spot of bother!”
DM: So, normally, when a goblin scouting party is completely wiped out, most goblins take it as a sign to move on to better hunting. Thr leader of this clan has, insteas, taken it as a challenge and sent a larger party.
Dwarf: How big?
DM: The firsr wave you can see over rhe creat of rhe hill has about 8. 4 sword and board, 2 with pikes, 2 with clubs.
Dwarf: Well, Im always down for genociding some goblins. Still plus 2 to initiative?
Rolls: Kobold, Dwarf, Halfling, Me,
Kobold: Were out in that fucking field again, aren’t we?
Kobold: Godamnit. And my tree?
DM: Nowhere to be seen. Different field.
Kobold: Fack… I guess i just sit down and curse.
Me: Small one, why do you curse so?
Kobold: … me? … Because I’m an assassin. I cant hide out here. Im no good in a place like this, so I just have to sit here and wait.
Me: … my character gets a stoic face, looks up to the hills and half whispers to himself
“I lift my eyes up u to the mountains;where does my help come from?” as I slowly and gently pick up the kobold and put him into the hood of my cleric robes.
Kobold: I bit- wait, how tall are you?
Me: 6 foot 8.
Kobold: …. I pull out my sling. Guess who’s a mobile sniper tower, you tall bastards!
DM: … Lemme see your character sheets.
Me and Kobold hand him our sheets. He looks them over, hands them back, asks “Loren, youre rocking a shield, a mace and just some light robes? Nothing else?”
Me: Im a man/orc of thr cloth. I dont believe in worldly possesions. Part of thr monk life. Not like monk class, but “of the church” monk.
DM: Okay… thats actually pretty well though out. So with the kobold on your shoulders, you still arent anywhere near your weight cap. Im gonna allow it.
*confussed laughter follows from Halfling who is new to my shenanigans*.
Dwarf: How far are we from them?
DM: A good distance. 50+
Dwarf: Well, if I cant reach them, Im going to sit back and taught them.
DM: You dont have any abilities that would do anything for that.
Dwarf: Thats fine. I just hate me some goblins. I insult their momma.
DM: Fine. You call their mother a girthy tart.
Mage: Im assuming I’m out of range for any spells to hit?
Mage: wait… the orc doesn’ have armor?!
Me: Not true. My faith is my armor.
DM: You’re thinking a paladin, and it’s “my faith is my shield”.
Me: No, I have a shield. My shield is my shield. My faith is my armor
Dwarf: *giggles at obsurdity* heehee. faith.
Mage: I cast magic armor. Lets make him a tank.
Kobold: I AM A TANK! THIS IS WONDERFUL!
Me: Less smaller one, you have blessed me. Can thou not attack thy foe?
DM: Does your character always speak in Thespian?
Mage: *competitiveness increases* Nay, my tallest. The distance is far and my magic is lacking in length-
Mage: Would that I could, but alas, I must make the best of my time.
Me: My character is moved. I gently pick up the halfling and put him into the straps of my backpack as though it were a front pack for a baby and lift up my shield so that it mostly covers him, but e can still see around it and use his staff to cast spells around it.
Kobold: DOUBLE TANK!
DM: *sigh* smoke break…