DnD Story: Derek the Cleric, Pt. II


The DM was clearly not amused by my antics. I had strapped 2 smaller team mates to myself, both having good ranged attacks, and the mage had blessed me with magic armor. The group was rolling for Diplomacy IRL with the DM concerning whether the Kobold and Mage should receive the AC bonus as well.

Kobold: We agree that he has the STR to carry both of us with no problem, right?

DM: Yes. That is not the issue.

Dwarf: So, if the Kobold is literally riding on his shoulders, why wouldn't he get the bonus?

DM: Because A) The spell was cast on the orc. Not you 2 fucks. B) Fuck you. C)If somone tries to hit the kobold and misses, I'm gonna roll a 1d6 and if its a 4 or higher, I'm gonna say it hits orc in the head and is a critical. D) The mage is more likely to be treated as armor than receive the AC bonus. E) Fuck you, Loren.

Mage: Okay, I know I'm new to the group, but I'm pretty seasoned when it comes to DnD. Given the way he said he would hold the shield in relation to my character's location, it would cover more than 70% of my body, so I should get even more of an AC bonus than he does. The way he expressed he was holding the shield, simultaneously, also offers him more protection. My character should get at least a +4 AC bonus.

DM says nothing and maintains eye contact with me as a few minutes of tense silence pass. 

An eagle cries in the distance.

DM: Fine. However…

He leans over, reaches into his backpack and pulls out a red spiral bound dollar store notebook with "Fuck You" elegantly written in cursive across the front. He slaps it down on the table and flips it open to a page, still withput breaking eye contact with me.

DM: The Halfling gets thr AC bonus. Thr Kobild doesn't. If they miss thr Kobold, 2/3 chance its a headshot on you. Also, have fun with this little bit.

Thr DM flips the spiral notebook around and shows us that we are fucked, regardless: 


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