DnD Tales From The TableTop (Episode #10)

So last night our highschool DND group held a boss fight session. Our group consists of a Teifling rouge/bard (me) a mei’fwa rouge, A dwarven palidin, a Gnomish wild magic sorcerer, a human fighter, a Dragonborn cleric and a bunch of NPC’s.
The boss fight was against a rouge AI that desired to become a real person. Who’s theme was Simon Says. Our DM in has been planing to kill off two of the two bard NPC’s in a self sacrifice.
While me and the mei’fwa honor their request, the rest of the group was so compassionate about saving these people, our fighter went all out. And I quote the DM “ what he just did was equal to the rage of a freakin barbarian.” Our fighter has overkilled the robot by about 100 points of damage.
The rest of us are like deer in headlights because we’re so stunned.

How my party in pathfinder nearly made a paladin retire early.

Me, who is a 7'6" tall fighter with immense strength, along with another fighterof similar qualities, a gunslinger with problems aiming, a summoner portrayed as Ash, a not so bright rogue, and a paladin trying to forget how bad their last quest was had to take seven goblin prisoners to a specific location. We convince them to obey us by bribing them with the chance to burn a book (the summoner and rogue talked about using the paladin's holy book), and if they acted out, were forced to look at the book. By the time we reach the town/midway point, the paladin was furious and wanted to slice the twerp summoner in half, willing to atone for her sins afterwards, all because he poked and prodded jokingly about buying him some things. Not to mention we managed to somewhat tame and keep alive three wild young wolves. We reach a hotel that really held people trying to take the goblins, leading to a battle, but the summoner and rogue at the start of it all command our little hellions to "burn it", giving them lit torches. Our lawful good holy paladin, being the way they are, tried to stop them from burning the building, which was not specified in the command at all, by throwing her holy book in the goblins location. I decide it is a good idea to be nice and pick the book up for our pal and end up taking half my HP from torches getting thrown at me. In the end, we reach our destination with all in our party, seven goblins, three wolves, and a small group of human prisoners. Everyone fought, except me. What did I do? One of the few who could kill a man with even minimal damage? I didn't do a thing besides feed our goblins and wolves rations to keep them busy and held a flower I picked up in the process. It was a pretty flower though, made me feel like the iron giant.

Our group is composed of 5 players. The composition is pretty generic with a wizard, cleric, ranger, fighter, and a rogue. Our job at the moment was to help transport carts of supplies over to a town. During our travels we encountered various obstacles, such as: A dying necromancer, thieves, goblins, orcs plundering a small village, and cultists. All of these encounters were pretty fun, but the first instance in which we gained a magical item was what led to title of this story. We arrived in a forest where we decided to set up camp for the night. One of our drivers for whatever reason saw something shiny and wandered into the forest and we all ran after him. We discovered a bag that we later learned was a bag of holding. Our fighter who was known to be the idiot of the group decided to check if anything was in the bag by attempting to shake everything out of it.

500 fucking frogs poured out from the bag and the whole was just stepping in frogs at this point. We learned that it was a bag of frog holding. Our fighter who was really depressed that he just fucked up a potential weapon of ultimate shits and giggles, decided he would spend an entire session doing nothing but picking up frogs for the bag while the rest of us would continue to explore the forest and save some other people who were camping out in the forest.

Fast forward to the start of a new session, our fighter had managed to recover a good amount of the frogs for the bag and we continued on our journey. We arrived to the town we were meant to deliver the supplies to. We learned that the town is ruled by a lich who had defeated one of his old rivals a couple thousand years ago and that he has an obsession with reinacting his battles of old. As a result, explosions and sounds of fighting are constantly heard from the dark forest next to the town.

All of us had decided to head to the market where we could refill on some of our own supplies. As our fighter was browsing for orc blood that was being advertised as basically liquid steroids, a young girl snuck up behind him and took his gold pouch. This led to a long chase that resulted in some of us failing dex saves and eating shit as we crashed into people and walls. We eventually tracked the girl down to the building she was hiding in, only to be ambushed by a bunch of cultists. After interrogating the girl, we learned that she was forced to lure us into the ambush by cultists or be killed. Our cleric and wizard took pity for the child and decided to take her in. She was later given a small hand crossbow and wand of magic missile for self defense.

The next day after we finished resting up at a tavern, we were asked if we could deliver some dead bodies to the lich. It turns out that the town has a deal with the lich in which he will spare the town in exchange for dead bodies every once in a while. The bodies were loaded up in a few carriages while we were given our own personal carriage to ride on. This carriage was heavily decorated with flame and skull designs, basically a fucking medieval fantasy hot rod. This was the Bone Wagon.

The carriage was designed this way because the lich really likes flashy cool shit. Upon reaching the location where we were supposed to drop off the body, the lich appeared and spawned a bunch of undead minions. We were instructed to perform for him as he watched us fight his minions, while somehow eating popcorn. Honestly, the lich was a pretty cool dude. After we finished fighting the minions, the lich said that he was satisfied and would allow us to leave as he took the bodies. Our fighter walked up to the lich and demanded that we get to keep the Bone Wagon. The lich agreed, but demanded we pay him in extra sacrifices immediately, we all scratched our heads, as none of us were willing to kill a child for a pimped out carriage. Our fighter then pulled out the bag of frog holding that he had refilled and offered it to the lych. The lich agreed and even gave us a skeleton driver for the cart, complete with a valet driver uniform. We named him Pelvis Castello.

Fast forward a few days and we have now saved a small village from an attacking army with the use of the Bone Wagon as we fired ranged attacks from the carriage while Pelivs pulled off sick drifts with the Bone Wagon. Our adventures so far have resulted in us gaining 2 new party members. A heavily armed child, and a fucking skeleton.

CUSTOMIZE

To give you all some back story, Krepia is a Pathfinder campaign that I’ve been playing for almost three years now. I am also the last original PC from when the group was first formed and put together. I play an Elven Druid, recently Level 10, named Thowan with a wolf Animal companion named Accalia. Our current party at the time consisted of a human Druid named Thunder, a human Samurai named Michio, and a half-elf half dwarf Cleric named Lialda.

Our party had recently just seized a stronghold on an island off the West coast of the elven kingdom. Not only were we able to take out the pirates working out of that hideout, but we were able to take it over as a base of our own. Due to the size of their operation as well, the elven queen had given us a portion of the goods recovered (let’s just say we have way more money than we know what to do with now). On top of all that though, we were able to recover the ship of the pirates, taking it as our own to sail the great vast sea!

We head off south, following the western coast of the continent, intent on reaching one of the southern islands. Our first stop however is a coastal town named Collen Cove (since its still in elven lands and we get free docking. Along the way our Samurai, operating as captain of the boat, rolled both a 3 and a 2 on his Profession Sailor rolls, causing us to go way off course over two days. At the end of the second day, our ship was between three islands of the southwestern shores and we ended up staying there for the night.

Next thing we know, our characters are waking up in the middle of a bog. Swamp and trees all around us. Sounds are muffled, and there is fog on all sides of us making it hard to see. We’re also currently all seperated, having no idea where each of us are. Now whats really cool about this session, is our campaign is currently being played on Roll20, allowing the GM to play whatever sounds and music that he wants to give atsmophere.

Currently for this session, its just the two druids and the samurai who are lost in his bog (the Cleric couldn’t make it). We’re all dressed in our pajamas, so the other two decide to brandish themselves a couple of weapons by breaking off the limbs to dead trees to make effective quarterstaffs. Now my character has been around for a while, and he knows something is magic when he sees it.

Me: I cast Detect Magic

GM: Will Save
Me: Will save? *rolls*

GM: You cast detect magic, and you are blind now for two minutes.

Me: What? Why?
GM: Well, when you cast detect magic, EVERYTHING in the area lit up, and it was so overwelmingly bright that you cannot open your eyes to see properly for two minutes.

Okay, magic. Lots of it.

Our characters end up wandering around for a bit, before we all miracurasly end up at the same place, a dead tree laying down in the middle of this swamp. Its then that my character learns that Thunder had counted the rings on the dead tree, and it was over 240 years old. (Unknown to my character, Thunder had also wondered if he still had the half of a “deck of many things” and when he reached into his pocket, had a full deck now). We decide that it’d be better if we split up again, and if we find anything, meet back at the dead tree so we can get out of this area together. Both druids go off together, while the Samurai heads off another direction.

While we’re split up, the Samurai ends up finding what looks like a giant dead spider, and holding his measly quarterstaff, he wishes to himself, “You know, I really wish I had my swords about now.”.

GM: Will Save

Michio: *rolls*

GM: Your swords rise up out of the bogs and return to your hands.

Michio: I wish I had my armor as well. *rolls*

GM: Suddenly your armor appears on you, you are now fully equipped for combat.

Meanwhile, Thowan and Thunder and wandering around, just trying to fill out our map (since we were using advanced fog of war) so that we can make sure we didn’t miss a single square on the map. We hadn’t discovered much, and decided to start heading back the direction we though Michio would be in.

We eventually run into him, and seeing how he’s now fully armored and has weapons, We asked him where he got the swords and armor.

Samurai: Well I wish for it!

Me: Hmm, I wonder what would happen if we- *disappears*

(*Out of game*

Me: Hmm, I wonder what would happen if we wished we were out of here.

GM: Will Save Please

Me: *rolls in private with a 26*)

Now this entire time, while we’ve been searching this swamp and trying to figure out the way out, we’ve been hearing a voice mixed in with the audio track. We were pretty sure it was part of the music, till it was suddenly said three times in a row.

Thunder: Yeah, well I wish I could see you!
GM: Will Save

Thunder: *rolls*

GM: You suddenly get a flash of this huge creature that seems to be floating in your direction. Its about twenty feet wide. (We would later learn this was a Shadow Demon).

Thunder: okay, okay, I wish we were out of here *rolls*

GM: Your still there.

Michio: I wish we were on the boat!

Me (out of game): No! No! You gotta be more specific than that if its a wish!

GM: *chuckles and puts a boat under the both of them* (out of game, he shares with me via a PM, that the DC to get is 25)

Thunder and Michio then proceed to roll Will Saves back and forth, each wishes that they were both out of there. Now, what killed me, is the fact that they kept getting 24s back and forth. It wasn’t until one of them finally got above the DC 25, that the Shadow Demon was then climbing over the side of the boat, looking to take each of them down.

We each woke up the next morning, a little shaken but eventually talked about the encounter, realizing we’d all experienced the same dream. It was also here, that we checked our gear, and everything we’d wished for had changed something in reality. Michio’s armor and swords were made out of a stronger material, Thunder had 22 cards in his Deck of Many Things instead of 11, and I’m sure out of Pity for missing out on something like this now twice, my Masterwork bow was given an enchantment bonus.

Overall, it was a nice side adventure and got us some sweet editions to our gear.