Some stories and memes to make your day…
Dungeons & Birds
1 D&D with the Avengers
Artwork credit: Bluandorange (Tumblr)
Source: Frenetic Funnies
1 By: John Prouty
As my second submission, I will tell you of the worst insult a bard can use. The group was bashing on ogre and hitting it just as hard as it was hitting us. Our bards turn comes around and he uses the insult "You're uglier than the DM's mom." Of course he had to roll a 20 on it and kills the ogre. In the next room we meet DM ( Dragon Master), and his 20 ancient red dragons. Needless to say we did not live long.
2 By: Irving Atzin Guerrero
So we were playing D&D 5e, we had a Tiefling Rogue, Dragonborn Paladin, Dwarf Fighter, and a Human Druid.
We encountered an enemy filled with flying creatures, god knows what it was. But our Rogue had a crossbow so he could shoot down the flying creatures. While the other 3 had to think of how to bring these flying creatures down (I, the Paladin was thinking of throwing someone to snatch and ride one of the creatures to the ground, which worked only once)
Our Rogue attacked a crit fail 1, ended up shooting his left eyeball...brutal.
Am going to place it this way
Our Rogue rolled two other 1's IN A ROW
First 1 - Shot his left eyeball
(These next parts is a bit bloody/Gory)
Second 1 - Tried to carefully take out the arrow, ends up pulling the entire arrow along with his eyeball
Third 1 - Tried performing first aid on himself, tried to cut off the nerves of the eye, ended up cutting his other right eye, leaving him completely, and PERMANENTLY blind.
Jasenth the Paladin saw him having trouble with the Rogue's crisis, he goes and rolls for first aid once, a sweet 18 on the roll and patches up perfectly.
We defeated the flying creatures and set off to camp somewhere for the night, while the Paladin had to take our Rogue on his back.
Our rogue was pretty much useless, except for locks that needed to pick or anything like that.
Our Rogue player had the most rolls for critically failing for the rest of the session, TO THIS DAY. Any character he uses on any session, he still rolls crit fails more than any of us, ever since the rogue incident.
Truly a terrible curse
3 By: Loren Smith
More like Bag of Scolding.
Dont know how many of you have tried to weaponize one of these bad boys, but I'm here to share my experience:
1: Fill bag of Holding with water, or other liquid. Play a rogue or other sneaky build. Sneak up behind enemy. Quickly pull bag over enemy head and pull the drawstring as tight as possible until enemy stops moving. Then hold tighter for a few more minutes, just to be sure.
2: Fill with spikey bits. Like calltrops. Perform same actions as in first scenario, but enemy will not drown, so just tie off the draw strings and watch them suffer. Beat them up while they flail around in confusion. Or don't. Makes the hilarity last longer.
3: I call this one "The Portable Elevator". It is a bit of an in depth project, but worth the results if you can pull it off.
Find a spot to place your bag of holding where it will be secured and capable of launching needed item/PCs/NPCs.
Put bottle of Alchemists Fire in bag.
Draw strings closed as tight as possible and tie them off.
Hit bag, shattering bottle of Alchemists Fire.
Place shield over opening of bag.
Place item/person/whathaveyou on shield.
Any other good ones out there? Ive heard the colapsing arrow with a portable hole and bag of holding wrapped around it so it makes a black hole on impact, Im looking for more inventive uses.
Like putting a kobold in a bag of holding filled with caltrops and just shaking it until he talks.
4 By: Loren Smith
So, it had been a week since I had parted ways with Hurty Harry’s character Sheet.
He was now a sheriff and an NPC. I was tasked with creating a new character to joing the group. Over the span of that week, the Mage had to drop out because the new term had him full time. Luckily, we had another guy who liked playing Mage, so he was in. A halfling, of all things.
He gave his introduction and all eyes turned to me after. I could feel the pressure in everyone’s gaze. Mainly the DM. I had a feeling he had promised himself not to let shit fly, this time.
Me: Okay, so… backstory, my character is a half orc *dwarf looks threatened* who was left on the town church’s front steps. He was raised by the church and is a devout member, but given his race and stature, he has been the brute squad in times of need, which is a good outlet for the rage. Now that there is A NEW SHERIFF IN TOWN *glare angrily at DM* he has been told by the head priest that it is Pelor’s will for him to travel with this group and give them aid and protection, now that the sheriff will keep the town safe.
Dwarf: You made an orc cleric that worships Pelor…
Kobold: *gives a “thanks for taking one for the team and playing the healer” pat on the back*
We all get acquianted and stock up before leaving.
Once we get out of city limits, DM makes a few rolls, followed by that noise we all know translates to “Looks like you boys have found a ripe spot of bother!”
DM: So, normally, when a goblin scouting party is completely wiped out, most goblins take it as a sign to move on to better hunting. Thr leader of this clan has, insteas, taken it as a challenge and sent a larger party.
Dwarf: How big?
DM: The firsr wave you can see over rhe creat of rhe hill has about 8. 4 sword and board, 2 with pikes, 2 with clubs.
Dwarf: Well, Im always down for genociding some goblins. Still plus 2 to initiative?
Rolls: Kobold, Dwarf, Halfling, Me,
Kobold: Were out in that fucking field again, aren’t we?
Kobold: Godamnit. And my tree?
DM: Nowhere to be seen. Different field.
Kobold: Fack… I guess i just sit down and curse.
Me: Small one, why do you curse so?
Kobold: … me? … Because I’m an assassin. I cant hide out here. Im no good in a place like this, so I just have to sit here and wait.
Me: … my character gets a stoic face, looks up to the hills and half whispers to himself
“I lift my eyes up u to the mountains;where does my help come from?” as I slowly and gently pick up the kobold and put him into the hood of my cleric robes.
Kobold: I bit- wait, how tall are you?
Me: 6 foot 8.
Kobold: …. I pull out my sling. Guess who’s a mobile sniper tower, you tall bastards!
DM: … Lemme see your character sheets.
Me and Kobold hand him our sheets. He looks them over, hands them back, asks “Loren, youre rocking a shield, a mace and just some light robes? Nothing else?”
Me: Im a man/orc of thr cloth. I dont believe in worldly possesions. Part of thr monk life. Not like monk class, but “of the church” monk.
DM: Okay… thats actually pretty well though out. So with the kobold on your shoulders, you still arent anywhere near your weight cap. Im gonna allow it.
*confussed laughter follows from Halfling who is new to my shenanigans*.
Dwarf: How far are we from them?
DM: A good distance. 50+
Dwarf: Well, if I cant reach them, Im going to sit back and taught them.
DM: You dont have any abilities that would do anything for that.
Dwarf: Thats fine. I just hate me some goblins. I insult their momma.
DM: Fine. You call their mother a girthy tart.
Mage: Im assuming I’m out of range for any spells to hit?
Mage: wait… the orc doesn’ have armor?!
Me: Not true. My faith is my armor.
DM: You’re thinking a paladin, and it’s “my faith is my shield”.
Me: No, I have a shield. My shield is my shield. My faith is my armor
Dwarf: *giggles at obsurdity* heehee. faith.
Mage: I cast magic armor. Lets make him a tank.
Kobold: I AM A TANK! THIS IS WONDERFUL!
Me: Less smaller one, you have blessed me. Can thou not attack thy foe?
DM: Does your character always speak in Thespian?
Mage: *competitiveness increases* Nay, my tallest. The distance is far and my magic is lacking in length-
Mage: Would that I could, but alas, I must make the best of my time.
Me: My character is moved. I gently pick up the halfling and put him into the straps of my backpack as though it were a front pack for a baby and lift up my shield so that it mostly covers him, but e can still see around it and use his staff to cast spells around it.
Kobold: DOUBLE TANK!
DM: *sigh* smoke break…
5 By: Elias Baldwin-Bonney
I have a DND story for you, and I think a good one might I add
So we are towards the end of our campaign. We are just about to defend a city from a huge orc invasion. This is our last time to do anything before we defend this city.
I’m playing a gnome bard and I’ve got some nice spells on hand right now. We have an elvish cleric, who doesn’t heal anyone besides his best friend, so naturally, we all hate him.
I told him that I could do a better job at healing than him(proven that I could in the final battle). He didn’t believe me so he challenged me to a duel.
We dueled and I whooped him. Like he didn’t get even a single hit into me. He was passively healing himself while seeing visions.
I was about to do a killing blow to get him out of our way. He was being a jerk to all of us so I was doing the players(and even he GM!) a favor.
One of my teammates stopped me because he wanted to kill him himself. The gm than said that he couldn’t and that he would stay alive. So now we had to deal with him for the rest of the campaign.
We go into he campaign and he strays away from the group. One of our rangers sick of him and then “accidentally shoots him”.
Out of character the guy gets mad and in character starts firing spells at him. So I set him to sleeps with a spell.
The gm then responds with the fact that since I rolled a 20, he will stay asleep forever until true loves kiss breaks the spell. None of us love him at all so the next day he ripped up his character and walked away.
We decided that he died because we threw him off a cliff while he was asleep.