Some stories and memes to make your day…
Things got a little heated last session...
Anon kisses a Succubus
True nature of classes
Time for some DnD Stories!
1 By: Christopher Neve
My friend and I could never find time to get together for a game, so I stole the beginning from that "I wanna cast magic missile" video and we started improving a Play By Post over txt.
I think it turned out really well and wanted to share it. There's like 5 times this much so far, but let me know what you think of this first bit please. TY
GM: The pungent smell of mildew eminates from the wet dungeon walls. You see an elf with grey hair and grey eyes...
PC: "Excuse me, kind sir, but how long have we been imprisoned in this dank pit? I seem to have lost all sense of time. Not sure who I even am, to be honest, nor how I've come to be here!"
GM:"I'm afraid it's my fault you're here. And I'm not surprised that you're a bit disoriented. You seem to have taken a knock to the head. You're a member of a squad from the Town's militia training academy. Your squad was supposed to go on a simple sweep-and-clear quest. Get you blooded, see how you handle some light combat. You were the advanced students, so there were no worries... until you didn't return.
I'm a senile old fool for not seeing it sooner. Neigel Felsword was in your class. A nobleman's son, there for the pomp of imagined Valor and to guild himself in a veneer of my 'military service'. You were out shining him. I didn't think he would let his jealousy go this far, but he must have had his uncle switch the scouting reports.
Are you feeling a bit better now?
Can you recall your name?
If so, give me a status on your provisions and equipment cadet"
I am Osp Bo I Nen (or 'Smoke on the water' in Common), a Rogue instructor from the academy. You may remember me from your stealth classes or from the scrolls that I have authored. 'Move Silently For Dumbies', 'Shadows: Friend of the Assassin', or 'Move Silently for complete fucking idiots: yes, Bret of Gewton, I'm looking at you' "
PC: "Wait, not THE Osp Bo I Nen?! I had you as an INSTRUCTOR?! Does that mean I can move silently? Hide in shadows?! Strike with deadly grace like a viper?!"
GM: "Just because you Took my class, doesn't mean you Passed it...see Bret of Gewton for details if necessary"
PC: It is quite clear at this point that the knock I took has purged any lessons Osp Bo I Nen may have instilled, at least for the time being. After a few attempts to walk silently about the room, which mostly consist of different variations of tiptoeing about, it becomes apparent that I am possessed of great agility and strength, but the internal wattage may be somewhat on the lackluster side. Becoming visibly irritated, I give up and begin patting down my outfit for supplies. Am I still fully attired, or was I stripped upon being knocked unconscious?
GM: "Your armor and weapons are gone, but we can improvise a poncho and quarter staff from this Goblin banner and some leather bracers from 2x goblin belts on each wrist...looks like your squad took a few down with them. Such a senseless waste of talented young cadets. They would have made fine defenders of our fair city...well not so fair, between you, me, and the mildew-walls. The Felswords will never see justice for this betrayal. Not with the corruption they buy. But if they never see justice, then they'll never see justice coming *wink-wink-nudge-nudge-knowing-looks-and-glances*"
"If I were a sniveling little worm like Neigel, I'd have my Daddy's elite guard come in to sweep the place, volunteer to, scout for the missing cadets, and claim that I slew this entire garrison-dungeon single handedly. The 2 of us don't stand much chance against the goblins alone and undermining a Felsword-glory conspiracy may be even more dangerous. You've been dealt some poor cards, that's a fact, but you have to play them. If you want to disappear, I'll say I found you with the others. You can hide out in town and plot your revenge or just move on and start a new life. I'm with you if you want to take on the goblins or the Felswords, but I don't advise a direct assault on either"
PC: "Ok, we just have some rudimentary weapons and armor, but you're a trained Assassin! Can't we, I don't know, flank them or something? You said yourself, shadows are an assassin's friend! There's plenty of dark down here! See, we hide in the darkness," I press my not-inconsiderable musculature up into a corner, not in the least bit hidden by the deeper shadows there, "and we take those treasonous bastards from behind when they go to fight the goblins! Maybe the goblins would agree to help us if they saw us fighting alongside them! That's a plan, right?! Maybe we can even find the goblin armory, get some better weapons before we fight!"
I cast hopeful, slightly concussed eyes towards Master Bo I Nen. It is fairly apparent that my anger at the Felswords' betrayal is clouding my judgement. A deep, seething anger writhes in my veins, and as he anger burns in me, deep red tracery runs across my forearms and chest, sigils tracing tribal designs across my body. This virile young man is a descendant of the Rending Jaws of Mountain Bear warrior tribe, and their spirit runs strong in him. His rage bolsters his strength and prowess, but can also become an uncontrollable fury.
GM: "Alright, but you'll be looking over your shoulder for the rest of your days. Are you're sure that's what you want? We'll probably die anyway, so it shouldn't be an issue, but on the off chance we survive, you'll need to develop a healthy paranoia of you want to keep surviving. "
PC: The tracery begins to cool. Intellect may be lacking, but common sense appears to be in good form as I step away from the wall.
"So how do we get me into the city past all the goblins, and possibly Felswords, that lie between us and there?"
GM: "The pieces of this puzzle are falling together in my head...this plan may not be so crazy after all. They will leave a few guards, probably 1 or 2, outside as lookouts. And, as I mentioned Neigel will be coming alone to appear to be the single handed slayer. He'll need to either meet the guards or show up here to get proof of death of the fallen, bloody his weapons and armor, and maybe a few trophies of his 'victims'. We wait until the guards strike, alert the goblins, take out the lookouts, disguise ourselves as them, and kick the shit out of Neigel when he shows his panzy-ass. As long as we can take 2 guards and Neigel gets there before the rest of the guards and the goblins sort out their fray, we should be golden."
"We won't have time to hit the armory, you'll have to hold your own against an armed guard with what you have until I can finish mine and come help you"
PC: The tracery runs across my body again as the anger flares, and I roll my shoulders, working out the kinks, muscles rippling in the dim light. With a quick flip of the foot, I toss the quarterstaff to hand. I give a few experimental swings.
"Well, while I may not remember my own name, this certainly feels right at home in my fist. Although..."
I take the quarterstaff and lay it across one beefy thigh, and flexing downward, snap it in half. The two improvised clubs whistle dangerously as I spin them in complicated patterns, finally ending with the splintered ends downward as pommels. I grin fiercely through my teeth.
"Oh, that's MUCH better!"
2 By: Anon
This is a story of my first D&D experience.
My Half-Elf Rogue had ventured into this small town (the other members of the party had all ready been on missions here and were established). So the Mayor of the town was looking to hire adventurers to take care of the bandit problem they had been having in the woods.
So I volunteer to go as well as the other members of the party. We had a Dragonborn Fighter, Half-Elf Paladin, Tiefling Warlock, a Tiefling Bard, an Elf Cleric and then me.
Well being the new guy and the stranger to the town they were eerily cautious of me as we went into the woods. Soon after we venture into the woods we get surrounded by the Bandits.
(Now mind you were are all level 2 when we went started this adventure. So the DM was expecting to give us a challenge.)
So the DB Fighter and the HE Paladin get set up with two bandits a piece and the others are off to the left firing arrows from the trees. The Fighter and Paladin both start attacking the bandits in front of them and the others are trying to cast whatever they can on the archers.
Well it comes to my turn and Im really unsure of what to do, so I look at whats in my pack and see I have Lamp Oil and bottles for my poison kit. I look at my dm and ask if I could make Molotov Cocktails. He looks at me kind of confused and says its possible.
So I take my action making 3 Molotov’s. All the while my party is fighting for their lives and the other players are looking at me kind of upset because Im not fighting like they are.
So the fighting continues and our Paladin takes one bandit but goes down and the Fighter takes out his two bandits. The rest of the party is now concentrating on trying to heal our Paladin.
Come back to me again. I tell my DM I light a Molotov and chunk it at the archers behind the trees. He tells me to roll . . . NAT 20!!! He proceeds to cuss under his breath and rolls for the bandits, who all fail their saves.
The remaining bandit sees his friends burning alive and the trees ablaze. He tries to run but our bard tries vicious mockery.
She yells and calls him a coward for running away. He apparently cant handle the name calling and falls over dead.
So as they all head back to town and to the tavern I go to collect my fee from the mayor. By the time I get my payment and make it to the tavern I am known simply as “Cornan the Fire Killer”
Tl;Dr: New guy to town os a Pyro. Kills bandits with Fire and burns down the woods. Bard learns words hurt.
3 By: John Prouty
We were battling a female necromancer trying to become a lich and she had some great gear. My mage cast charm on her and walked her to me. I rolled to strip her to loot all items without damaging them and succeeded. The rest of the group made a few rude comment about this so I rolled to kill her by bashing in her head. I got a 1 so the DM said I gently stroked her hair. They laughed harder so I rolled to rip her throat out with my teeth and rolled a 1 again. So instead I passionately kissed her neck. At this point our paladin decided to cut off my clothes his his long sword. He rolled low and killed me. The rest of the party convinced the DM to have the necromancer roll to change my dead mage into a lich. The DM rolled and the necromancer got a 20. Needless to say they find it hilarious how my character got a girlfriend and died in the same night. I miss my old group but I am not stupid enough to join the D&D group at the college.
4 By: Derek Gorsuch
Just finished fighting a dragon, but after alot of awesome rolls and failed on DMs the dragon fled his cave.
Orc "I search for hidden passages"
We found an entrance in the back of the cavern. The party enters, to basically discover the dragons poop room. The party leaves. Except the Orc and paladin.
Side note: The paladin hates orcs so its a constant Biggest "Hammer" competition.
Orc: "I search for treasure"
Paladin: "How do you search for treasure?"
Orc: "Head first , pearly whites showing, doing the back stroke" nat con is 18 btw
Paladin gags (in real life) and then character fails a con check, has to leave to go clean himself up
DM:"roll for treasure"
DM:"roll a d10"
DM: big sigh "I cant, its funny but roll again please"
DM after a moment of rubbing his temples "After swimming thru dragon dung you emerge with an object you've never encountered before. You leave the cave covered head to toe and join the party at the mouth of the cave"
Orc: I see the paladin drinking from the pond, I cannon ball in. After washing off in our only drinking water I ask wizard to identify the object"
Object I've never seen before is a book. A book of strength, a +5 book of strength... DM turned it into a +5 coloring book of strength, so my -2 int. Orc could understand it and gain the benefits....
5 By: David Tanis Godwin
So i am a young dwarf with a double sword i have my actual sister playing as my dwarf sister and we are orphans being adopted by our uncle so we decide to go hunt for breakfast my sister sees a deer and aims her morning star and throws she rolled a one so a random bear lunges at the deer and the morning star hits it the entire group laughs except her and me my buddy ask me O/O/G why i didnt laugh and i told him i was the only one there withe a weapon so we roll iniative i was second the bear beat me by 1 so it walks up and swings i roll to dodge and got a 20 the DM says your so short it passes over your head everyone laughs my sister happened to be beside me so she rolled to and got a 1 she met the closest tree i decide to swing i roll an 11 so the DM says you cut off its right foot and you succeed in pissing it off i swing once more and get a 20 so the DM says you stab it strait through the mouth its dead so i drag the bear and my sister back home upon arriving she wakes up and is forced for her failure to walk all the way back to retrieve the foot she wasnt happy.
6 By: Daryn Nehrkorn
First ever 2nd edition game, way back in the early 90's. Party consists of myself (minotaur noble warrior gladiator fighter [ loved them supplements!]), human ninja/blade, lycanthrope fire wizard and a half-elf meistersinger.
Three days out of the closest city, we come across a huge swamp; there are a pair of caves flanking the trail. Each cave begins disgorging lizardmen until they block the entire path eight wide and six deep. Well, minotaurs being naturally aggressive I charged ahead, swinging my battle ax over my head.
DM: roll to hit
Me: Boom natural 20!
DM: Well, you swing your ax hard, slicing off the head of your opponent in one blow. The force is so great that your ax becomes stuck in the neck of the one next to him. Would you like to roll again to get your ax free?
Me: Yeah, lemme try... NATURAL 20!
DM: Oh my. You finished cutting off this one's head, then sliced the next in rank' s head in half from ear to ear. The first one you sent flying hard enough it impacted with the tribe shaman's skull and killed him upon impact...
I'VE BEEN HOOKED ON THE GAME EVER SINCE