How I turned the DM’s homophobia against him to defeat The Great Evil

TLDR : DM turned out to be rampantly homophobic and highkey macho, so we ruined his BBEG ending.


4
4 points

To start with, a little disclaimer : as a girl, I had heard for years that the RP world was very straight man-centric and often misogynist, but I had never encountered that before. This specific DM was an unfortunate encounter which didn't deter me from continuing DND and other games with better quality people. 

It was a one-shot at a library event, with a bunch of strangers who were equally excited for a night of adventuring. A bunch of DMs presented their tables, and we got to pick which one we'd like. The one I chose was based on a fantasy cloak and dagger series by Pierre Pevel, with high dragons masquerading among humans to mess with politics. The combat system also relied on playing cards, which seemed really fresh and exciting. And it could have been, were it not for the DM. 

He had prepared characters for the players (good call for a oneshot) but seemed pretty upset when neither me nor the other girl from the party picked the busty musketeer lady with doe eyes. Actually, the girl's bf picked her and ended up playing as a socially awkward genius with a lisp ; great character, but not the one the DM had envisioned. I went for Javier, the attractive, flirty spaniard who was kicked out of the army for sleeping with the sergeant's wife ; when asked to describe him, I decided I wanted him to have a wonderful mustache and to be "perfectly rotund : a wonderful sphere of a man, with facehair that would make Dali weep ". DM gritted teeth at that, and told me "No, read again : he's attractive." First big red flag of the evening, but I shrugged it off and insisted. "He's round and fat and beautiful, with a voice like Pavarotti." I did theater for some time and proceeded to do a rather hilarious impersonation of an opera barytone with a spanish accent. It's all in good fun, right ? Right. The DM tells me that if I change the character, I have to roll again for charisma. He asked this of nobody else. I roll 6 on a D6, improving Javier's original 5. He frowns. "Fine. His shape is so unusual that it draws the eye, I guess." We share side glances with the other players. Yikes, but you know what? We'll make our own fun. 

The story proceeds, with mysterious disappearances that we must investigate. We get railroaded a lot, with PNJs refusing to talk to us until it's "the right time", travelling times being conveniently too long to fit in our planning, and male characters being so stricken by the Busty Lady that they just offer clues. It's a one-shot, so we don't mind ; no time for an open-world exploration. Still, the DM has a list of prepared monologues and detailed dialogues between PNJs ; it's a little over-dramatic to my taste, but hey, the DM should also enjoy himself and it's not too badly-written. 

The turning point comes when we take a prisoner working for the high dragon kidnapper ; he's tied to a chair in an "interrogation cell", where the DM takes an unconfortable time describing the torture instruments at our disposal. "So, what do you wanna do ?"

I don't like this vibe, and from the looks on the players' faces, nobody does. We've all played in a very cheerful, collaborative way with a lot of jokes ; a live torture scene fits as well as a Requiem in the middle of a party playlist. "I seduce the prisoner", I state loudly. The DM laughs. "Right, like good cop bad cop. You bring him a glass of water…" "No", I cut him. "I go on full sultry mode. I'm a vision of heaven in this dark cell. I'm posing. Sure, I'll bring him a glass of water, but also I delicately touch his cheek and tell him he has so much to live for." The DM blanks. "It's a man", he says like I'm an absolute idiot. "You're a man too." My turn to grit my teeth. My dude, I have seen bards roll to seduce mountain-sized dragons before, but you're gonna be a bitch and bring homophobia to a fantasy world ? Not on my watch. I shrug. "I never told you how I had apologized to the sergeant for bedding his wife, right ? I romanced him too. So I'm gonna go and romance that prisoner with my 6 charisma."

The DM's eyebrows make knots. "He won't let you touch him", he spits. "He fears you." Fair enough. "I serenade him from a distance." The scene is hilarious – four musketeers standing in a Bastille cell while one of them is playing mandoline on his knees – I do take the time to compose a short rhyming sonnet about how he should tell us what he knows so we can defeat mankind's foes, and it's better to spend the night with a spaniard joker than an iron-hot poker. "Fine, roll for it." Little note on the system : he usually sets a difficulty, and if it's inferior to our stats, we don't even need to roll. Otherwise, we add the dice result. I ask how much is required – convincing our boss that accidentally murdering a guard was an honest mistake was only a 6. "A 300", he laughs. "You're a MAN. If SHE wanted to try, though…" He points at the guy playing Busty Lady, who has already established that she didn't like using her charms. "I have no idea how to do this", the player says. "It's fine, DM replies. For you, it's a 1." The player refuses. "She doesn't like to do that. She just stands and claps in rythm to Javier's song."

DM is livid, and takes a second to fold his notes. "Alright, he begs you to stop singing. I'll tell you anything, he screams, just keep the pervert away from me!". The vibe switches instantly. The other girl looks at her BF, I look at her, we look at the DM. It's like we silently formed a pact of "Well, Fuck That". 

The adventure is nearing its end ; we find the mansion of the high dragon lady kidnapping nobles for Nefarious Purposes that were never clearly stated. Conveniently, there's a party going on. "You reckon that if you manage to stealthily mix with the crowd, you might be able to find the kidnapped countess somewhere. The Dragon-Destroying McGuffin is probably here as well, but it would take a while to find it." Time to shine for Javier. "I walk to the high dragon lady and ask news of her marriage", I state. DM is baffled. "That's not stealthy." I argue that it's a party, and that enquiring about our hostess is only polite. "Fine. She icily tells you that her marriage is open as ever since her husband is insufficient, but that you're too fat for her taste. What a shame, she says. If only you had retained the shape you had long ago." I smile. "I find your husband perfectly sufficient." DM and high dragon lady both choke. "You can't have fucked her husband. It's not possible." I insist that it is, especially since she just mentioned an open marriage (which is ludicrous in the society he painted, but hey : he brought it up) and I did. I bring up cheeky details that have him fuming before long. He has completely forgotten about the party or the other players, and this goes on for quite some time. Dragon lady calls the guards because I'm being a filthy liar, he has me fight them off, solo. About 20 minutes later, when I have only 1 HP left, Busty Lady politely coughs. 

"I hit the dragon on the head with the Dragon Destroyer McGuffin". 

"What ? You don't have that."

"Yeah, I do. The dragon lady has been busy with Javier for 20 minutes. We've searched the mansion in the meantime." DM protests that he was gonna come back to them at some point, but the library is closing and everyone is pretty done with this shite. Busty Lady argues that with all the guards clobbering a bisexual musketeer, it wasn't very difficult to move around. We can see the pain in the DM's eyes as his Big Boss Fight slips away from his hands. After a bunch more arguing, and pressed by the library lady to pack up, he surrenders. 

"Fine", he says again glowering. "But she kills you in a final gesture." It's a oneshot and I definitely won't play with that guy again, so I roll with it. I improvise a dramatic death monologue as I clutch my chest, but it's the other girl from the party who has the last word. She's been good fun the entire adventure, playing her stern, battle-hardened musketeer with few words and always diving headfirst into combat.

"I kiss him", she says as we pack and the DM leaves without a word. "I kiss him on his mouth as he dies, and our mustaches touch, and it is beautiful." We shared a burst of laughter that lasted until long after we left the library, and we parted ways. I haven't seen her nor her boyfriend again, but I sure hope they're also somewhere having fun and tearing apart stereotypes. 


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