this is how my first time playing DnD ended. I was at my friend Jaymie’s house along with my two other friends Anthony and Nick. while Nick and I stayed in Jaymie’s room, she went to go show Anthony her DnD things, the two of them suddenly come back down stairs carrying a lot of things and told us that we were playing. My friend Nick and I had never played before but we agreed and so our adventure began. while making our characters, when we had asked what race Nick was playing, not understanding what was really going on, he misread his class, bard, as brad instead. we laughed and made it his race. (context: brad race is basically human but instead of +1 to all stats, they get a +3 to charisma and a speed of 25 instead of 30 because of their large ballsack.) moving on I played as a paladin while Jaymie decided to play as a chaotic evil cleric. Nick’s character was named Chad and he was chaotic good, Jaymie was an dark elf named Amaranth, and I was a human by the name of Zephyr. Starting on our journey, Amaranth already didn’t like Zephyr. she didn’t like how I was lawful good. in the beginning, we, while bickering once in a while, worked relatively alright as a team. when we got to phandalin, we started having issues. Jaymie wasn’t doing much but we had to watch over Nick a lot to make sure he didn’t do something stupid. while Amaranth and I were off on our own, Chad decided to seduce and have sex with a nun. She ended up commiting suicide and when people started to hate Chad, I tried to come in and save him, however, failing my acrobatics check, instead of going through the nuns, I ended up crushing and killing 3 of them. meanwhile, Amaranth was off talking to a nun at the shrine of luck and convinced her that I was and anti-paladin. of course I was upset with this and ended up being banished from the town. a little later, when things were coming full circle, the three of us were running away from a large mob group trying to kill me, even though I had done nothing wrong (on purpose). something I should mention is that when Chad stresses out, he jacks off. this time he actually saved us, his excrements tripped up the mob and they had thought that I was the orc that they actually killed. getting away we encountered a monster (a custom one called the demisexagorgan) this creature teleported us to its world and we were all separated and had to so the same things, we even could see holograms of our friends next to us so that we could communicate. long story short, after completing the trials, I got 3000 gold, Chad got a war lute, and Amaranth got a small pocket dimension in her arm as a small crystal for completing the trial without loosing a life. the pocket dimension is important, it gave her unlimited space for storage. later in the story, we came across an evil wizard who we had to fight (of course), while I fell down a hole I used spiritual weapon (gift from our DM Anthony for me) and actually hit. while the bard and priest were fighting alone, I jumped out the hole and rushed in to help. Amaranth was about to be attacked to I rushed in to protect her but then the Wizard gained an attack of opportunity strike and fataly wounded me. I became unconscious and mean while the two of them were going back in forth about saving me or not, Chad saw that I was useful while Amaranth hated Zephyr and was laughing about me being unconscious, while still fighting the wizard of course. when they beat the wizard finally, Chad rolled persuasion against Amaranth to help me but by then I had already died. I was furious with them, I was yelling at Jaymie and Nick for not acting sooner instead of arguing with one another. Jaymie just puts it up to that she is chaotic evil (even though that means nothing for the party working together.) after my outrage, I stayed annoyed and quiet for a while. Amaranth decides to chop up Zephyr’s body and store him in her pocket dimension. after all of that finished then comes my next character, I pre-made my next character, his name was Zane and he is the brother of Zephyr. Zane is a human fighter neutral good. when Zane entered the town, I mistakenly asked about my brother Zephyr, instantly, the town hates me again. as I make my way to the rest of the party, when I encounter them they roll intimidation against me. Jaymie rolls for sleight of hand to pull out Zephyr’s head but messed up and pulls out his dick. she quickly tries again and gets the head this time and of course Zanr freaks out wondering why they had his brother’s head. after some time had passed, I ask for my brother’s parts so that I could give him a proper buriel, however, Amaranth tells me “No.” from this point Amaranth becomes even more of a jerk to me. long story short, she makes a deal with her god by making a shrine and becomes chaotic steroids basically and makes Chad chaotic evil. after some more time of her being a jerk we take up a mission to kill a cult for the mayor. after we had killed them all, Chad wanted to be an asshole and intimidate me for no reason. he gets a 25 and my DM told me that I have a fight or flight reaction, using NON-LETHAL damage, I punch Chad for being an ass. Nick then tells me to roll for initiative. I look at our DM and he says that he can’t do anything with regret in his voice. it was two against one and I led off attacking and hit Chad. Soon after, Amaranth tries to preform a sneak attack but fails. My AC was a solid 19 so they kept missing their attacks. I realized that Amaranth was an issue due to her having insane magic so I try to take her out first. but because we were on unholy ground, she kept healing each round. at some point, Anthony forgets to keep giving her health and after I finally took her out, she starts complaining about how she should have been healed, our DM felt bad for forgetting and said that she had 3 health.(just fucking great) if it wasnt for that, I would have taken out both of them. after they knocked me out they tied me up and tried to convert me to their religion (Zane is an athiest) to which I refuse of course. so they set me on fire just enough so that it wouldn’t kill me and then they put water on me. they literally were torturing me and as I look at DM, I could see it in his face, he felt so bad, but couldn’t do anything. after they knocked me out again the town guards showed up, we were gone for so long they were sent after us. to which they see cultist corpses that were set on fire and me tied up. they of course attack the other two. there were 17 guards and they were some how able to beat all except 3. they were knocked out and kept captive. My DM looks at me and says to me to roll for a death save. I rolled and got a 3, due to my situation, my DM allowed me to roll again but this time I got a critical fail and that is how the campaign ended. This is also why Jaymie is forbidden from playing chaotic evil ever again.