Our party is out for the holidays and with only me and one other party member showing up, the DM informed us that we would only be doing side quests until everyone gets back. So it was just the three of us but I was confident in the reduced party size since we still had a well balanced party and more than just two people. I have two characters I play as, my other party member has his character and an NPC that is just a clone of his stats essentially, and an NPC wizard. Let me do a quick role call.
First up is my Fighter/Sorcerer, Imagawa Okami. You probably already think I'm a weeb. I actually fell out of that love for samurai years ago but I had this character design one of my old friends drew for me and never found a use for it so I decided I would use him as a DnD character at least once.
Then there is his Necromancer brother Imagawa Sivras. My DM gets confused a lot by these characters since in their culture they say the family name first. He eventually got their names right over time but it was funny at first hearing him get a little frustrated by the confusion. Both of the Imagawa brothers are human.
Next our tiefling Bards Nafaris Amarzian and Crelista Vavaris. It's a running gag that all our tieflings have a name that sounds almost the same since our Rogue/Druid is named Zelista Safaris. Nafaris and Crelista are very happy lovers that our characters unfortunately get to hear how much every night.
Then our NPC human Wizard Dimitri who our Sorcerer/Bard Razz Matazz managed to convince to switch sides to help us and has became very close to him. His family was murdered by the BBEG of our campaign Vekna and is now helping us defeat him to seek vengence on him.
So it starts out as it normally does in our typical Dark Tidings campaign when we manage to end off in a tavern in the last session. Our tieflings are doing the you-know-what, Sivras is playing chess with another patron in the tavern, and Dimitri and Okami are in the basement in a fighting pit. Since Okami was a fighter and had twenty strength, he was thrashing the wizard in the fight. The wizard however poisoned the dagger he was using and tried to poison him. He threw the dagger and stabbed him but he passed the CON save. Meanwhile the tieflings who were finally done managed to make their way down to the basement. After a brief discussion and some missed attacks from Dimitri without Okami even reacting, Dimitri got a poisoned needle out and jabbed it into Okami's neck, finally taking him down. Once he recovers and we get our equipment from the pit boss, Okami's talking sword I named Sitius congratulated Okami on a hard fought battle. Outside of character I asked the DM if it was possible to upgrade Sitius. It was a sword I had obtained from a box that contained random loot with a plus two enchantment on it, but the DM turned it into a homebrew item to make it more unique. It wasn't the greatest sword for a fighter since it gave plus two to initiative and advantage on history checks while the sword is in your hands as the sword had passed numerous hands and contained the knowledge of all the people who wielded it before him. I still love this sword just based on the fact it talks and my fighter's initiative wasn't that great. Also, our DM has a habit of giving any item that talks a rather funny personality. If you think my sword is quirky, wait until you hear about our monk that has a demonic chicken nugget that gives him cocaine.
I'm still fairly new to DnD so I was not sure what is or what isn't possible. The DM told me that if I wanted to upgrade my sword, I would need to go on a quest or two to do it. We're side questing anyway but I figured we wouldn't immediately jump on that since I'm sure the DM had a good plan for today…..right?
Our party arrives back to the main floor of the tavern and Sivras had gotten into trouble. He had been making bets with the wizard he was playing Dragonchess with and the wizard wearing what he swears is a trillby, not a fedora, starts accusing our necromancer of cheating. He ran outside and came back with about ten guys. Now our sessions like to take a comedic turn of events since we like our sessions to make us laugh. These neckbearded wizards that we were starting to doubt were wizards armed with foam swords and sticks was wanting to beat him a new one. I could have just cast mislead and let the neckbeards attack an illusion, but I only got two spell slots that can cast it so I try to conserve them when I can. Instead Sivras point across the room and shouted "Look over there! A distraction!" because I couldn't think of anything clever and just hoped something would happen.
This is when things get really wacky. I mean REALLY wacky. Remember when I said that our DM likes to make things comedic? Well buckle yourself up for this one. The DM rolled a wisdom save for the neckbeards to see if they bought it. They rolled a four. So suddenly by divine luck, a giant glass jar filled with red liquid burst in through the tavern's wall and shouted "OH YEAH!" in triumph at the wall smashing. Suddenly the neckbeards completely forgot about Sivras and chased the medieval kool-aid man down the street.
Okami who was under disbelief what he saw stepped outside of the tavern and started smoking Dragon Kush (DnD homebrew high tier weed) that he carries. As he was outside he bore witness to an inbred army of neckbeards chasing the glass jar man down the street shouting to sacrifice him to the elder god. After finally catching him, they put him up on a stake and started a pyre to boil the red liquid inside of him. Once he was just the right temperature a large tentacle came out of the sky and took the kool-aid man into the portal where the tentacle spawned from and throughout the town we heard loud gulps before seeing the now empty jar man fall from the sky and shatter into pieces on impact with the ground. After a satisfied burp the portal closed.
Okami who was left speechless at this display cut his smoke break short and stepped inside of the tavern. He turned to the party and declared "We need to get the hell out of this city." in which the party agreed.
As we were leaving, Dimitri who knew a teleportation spell asked us where our next destination should be. Seeing as it was just me and the other player, Okami asked if the wizard knew a person who could upgrade Okami's sword. Nafaris didn't object so the wizard took everyone to a person who could maybe help Okami.
There were some other shenanigans but I'll give you the short version since they weren't as prevalent as the previous ones. Okami accidently called the dwarf "Sir" instead of "Ma'am" when the dwarf was clearly a female, Sivras called him an idiot, we have some tea with the dwarf, she asks our business, we tell her, and she tells us of a spring where a very violent tenet had taken up residence and that if we could clear it out, we could partake in the spring's properties. We agreed since we believed we needed to dip the sword in the spring to give it more power. Seems legit.
After a non combat filled journey of getting to the cave and making DEX saves to navigate it, we managed to make it to the spring. First Okami gets an idea to swim in the spring. It was kind of by coaxing on the DM's part that made me agree to it but I rarely question what the DM tries to suade us to do. Since I take that he is trying to steer us in the right direction since our party has a tendency to get side tracked in the joke cracking and shenanigans. It simply made him feel revitalized. The two tieflings joined in for the shenanigans, and our two wizards bored began to play Dragonchess. Okami then brought the sword underwater to see if his idea worked….aaaaaaand nothing happened aside from the sword making drowning noises. It did not work.
Being coaxed again, Okami ended up investigating a stone in the water. After touching it with his bare hand and still with no armor on since he was swimming, some acid like slime coated his hand. Then he realized the stone was breathing. The creature cast a spell that launched Okami twenty feet away from him and almost took him out in one attack as lightning sent him flying. That was when we realized we were swimming in a pool with a Behir. We had our fighter Okami and our tiefling bards Nafaris and Crelosta all nude in the spring with the only two people with their gear being the wizards.
What insued was a nightmare for our party as without all our gear we were pretty defenceless. Battle began. Okami escaped the spring and got onto dry land and drank a potion from his back and used Second Wind to heal himself almost back to max. The Behir bit Crelista and dragged her under the water before swallowing her whole. Turns out being swallowed by a Behir isn't instant death but you take a lot of acid damage while inside of it.
Some rounds pass of our wizards casting spells and a group of giant bats appearing with my fighter Okami fighting off the bats, the Behir decides to have a tiefling main course and swallowed Nafaris next before using his move action to start moving at Sivras and taking a second attack action and munching him. He didn't swallow him but the only thing that saved him from going down was a well placed shield.
More spells later from our wizards and Okami is up next. Infuriated that this creature swallowed his friends, he ignored the last bat that was alive that was sucking his blood and used an action surge for a four hit attack on the Behir. Thanks to improved criticals I had rolled a crit. The crit made the Behir spit up Crelista but Nafaris was still trapped inside of it. The Behir didn't like this and hit Okami with a breath of lightning that he failed the save for, almost killing him again. At this point we are in danger of a total party wipeout. Nafaris ran out of HP inside of the Behir and it spat her back out. Okami is almost dead, Crelista is almost dead, Sivras is almost dead, and now Nafaris is making death saves. It was Sivras' turn next. He had used all of his 5th level spell slots on Ray of Sickness. Deciding to help Nafaris, he force fed her a potion which was enough to bring her back up.
After that it was her turn. She took her musket and shot the Behir in the face which finally killed it. If I recall correctly, Okami had 9HP, Sivras had 18HP, and both Nafaris and Crelista had 5HP at the end of it. Dimitri was the only person to get away unharmed from the fight.
After taking a few moments to collect ourselves after a near party wipe, Okami spots something at the bottom of the spring. Curiosity kicking in he hopped back into the spring and swam down to see it. It was another stone. After touching it since Okami is the dumber brother of the two of them, it revealed another Behir but one that was already dead. Apparently it may have been a possible mate for it but eventually killed the mate since this Behir could talk and seemed like it loved killing and eating living creatures out of boredom which unfortunately meant its mate too.
Okami however spots a coil near the dead Behir's tail and picks it up. He swam back up to the surface with the coil……to which Dimitri went "Oh! The spring! That makes sense now!"
Silence fell over our Discord chat….until I yelled into the mic "DID YOU SERIOUSLY (BLEEP)ING MAKE US DO ALL OF THAT JUST SO YOU COULD (BLEEP)ING MAKE A GOD DAMN PUN ABOUT A (BLEEP)ING SPRING!?"
I was yelling but honestly, I couldn't even be mad. That was amazing how completely out of left field that came. The DM's ears were ringing from my yelling but he was laughing as hard as I was about the whole shenanigan.
We returned to the dwarf with the "spring" and that was where the session ended for the day. I may have been pissed at the end of it, but when the rest of our group gets back, we will have one hell of a story to tell all of them.