Misadventures of Kronk

Kronk, the Orc Wizard that doesn't know how to read a spell book.


My D&D group was missing a party member one session so we all decided to do a quick random one shot using the book “Table Fables”. We decided to all make level 15 characters, there was a druid, a wizard, a monk, and me playing another wizard. I’ve had an idea for a not -so-serious character for a while, and so we introduced Kronk. A half-orc wizard who found a wizard’s spell book during a raid his tribe had done and refused to give it to the tribe’s shaman. The thing with Kronk is intelligence is his lowest stat sitting at 12 (+1 mod). Because he does not know how to read a spell book, he just went off the pictures in the book and hoped for the best. What spell he casted was determined by dice rolls and going through the spell lists ranging from 1st-8th level. 1d8 for level and then a combo of d10 and either d6 or d4 dice to determine what spell is casted…

We started our glorious misadventure in the frozen tundra, and as we were walking along came across a party of dead hunters. The other wizard in the party is a bit of a kleptomaniac so he takes everything off the bodies and hands some notes off to the monk, while shoving everything else into a pocket realm. As the monk read, he discovers that this party was hunting a hydra and had fallen to the weather.

As Kronk sees the other wizard open a way to their pocket realm and wonders to himself if he can do the same. Annnd now we roll the dice and Kronk casts False Life on himself instead. He shrugs and mumbles to himself “hmm, guess not” and continues on.

The monk after reading the notes and telling the party what was said, hears off in the distance the sound of hooves roughly like a horse. He says this and Kronk’s first response to this is that of a simple minded person “I could go for a meal right now, and horse goes best in a stew!” this prompted a horrid look of disgust from the High Elf Wizard in the party, and a round of laughs at the table.

The sound was in fact coming from a unicorn, as we find it and start approaching it. The monk tries to hide within the snow but the unicorn finds him with its horn and so begins our first encounter. Our DM did initiative a little different, he rolls for the monsters and we the party roll for us, and then whichever side has the highest roll goes first and then we decide amongst each other who goes when. Essentially making the initiative a party vs. party type set up instead of deciding everyone’s individual turn. So, we go first and after the monk smacks it around a little; I flip open the book (random dice rolls) and I cast Illusionary Script, into the snow. Reading it in Dwarfish is exactly what Kronk was thinking: “Geez, I hope this is useful!”

The table naturally breaks out in laughter and we squirrel away from the game for a second. Coming back the unicorn does its attack as the wizard decides not to fight the unicorn, cause well, it’s a unicorn! The round come back to me, Kronk flips through the book again, the pictures suggest that he needs to touch the target. With a battle cry roar of an orc barbarian he charges up to the unicorn and puts his hands on the beast, and nothing happens… Nothing happens as Kronk casts Nondetection upon the Unicorn. At this point the druid is quite annoyed with this and casts reverse gravity sending the monk, unicorn, and Kronk 100ft into the air.

Kronk, not being used to magic and is very superstitious of it to begin with, and certainly not comfortable with being shot up 100ft into the air, grabs onto the unicorn for dear life and screams. The DM asks me to make a CON save, in which I fail, and he announces that Kronk throws up on the face of the unicorn while in the air. The classic lead up being Kronk mumbling to the unicorn “I don’t feel so good.” as his stomach empties out onto the poor beast.

The monk feather falls and takes no damage, Kronk uses the unicorn to break his fall and the unicorn takes the brunt of the damage of the fall. The monk ends the battle with a flurry of blows on the unicorn and we set about field stripping the animal. Kronk low rolls on the check and the druid, seeing how badly the orc is about to butcher it, steps in and takes over.

Kronk, once again, tries to help with a random spell trying to start a fire. He starts a fire, but the kind he was hoping for, instead casts Fire Shield on himself and freaks out as the shield forms around him going on about how he’s on fire and proceeds to roll around in the snow melting it around him.

The commotion attracted the attention of the very thing the fallen party was hunting: The Hydra. We feel the earth beneath us shake as the seven headed hydra comes charging at us, and we begin combat once more. Keeping the same initiative order we begin with the monk charging the monster. I play this smart and let everyone else go as I figure out what spell Kronk is about to cast. and lo and behold! He casts guards and wards, and being of a simple mind doesn’t make it extravagant. Which means instead of taking the 10 mins to cast it, the DM overruled and allowed it to be instant. A large block fortress appears trapping the hydra in the center with a stinking cloud effect in place and the doors leading out are locked to all except the party.

The druid is shooting lightening at it, the monk is punching it, the other wizard just does not want to be involved in this, and Kronk rushes in and gets on a balcony and looks down. I roll once more for another spell, Cloudkill. The DM sees my finger on the spell as I’m reading it to myself and announces to everyone at the table that Kronk is filling the room with a killing fog of poison. The monk saves due to immunity to poison, the druid is outside of the cloud, and the hydra saves, taking only half damage. The monk is keeping the hydra from performing any extra actions and on the final round of the fight the hydra fails the CON save for both the stinking cloud AND the cloudkill. And so, the hydra falls in a cloud of poison.

We collect the heads of the hydra and the druid asks if either of the wizards can use teleport. The High Elf says no after double checking his book, and Kronk (rolling random dice) casts telepathy, linking his mind with the druid, for that’s who he was thinking about as he was looking for this spell. Suddenly the druid starts hearing Kronk’s voice in his head “Teleport, teleport, teleport, teleport, uhhhhh, gosh this leather is really chafing me, ummm teleport, teleport, teleport…”

The druid instead summons a stegosaurus and wild shapes into one and hauls the heads of the hydra back to the city, all while having Kronk’s voice in his head and having to listen to the very simple thoughts of the Orc.

They arrive to the city in the middle of the Winter Festival and are greeted as heroes and feast for the rest of the evening enjoying song, food, and drinks as they celebrate their victory over the hydra all through the night!


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