This is a story I wear like a badge. My friend was itching to run a pathfinder game set in hell. It was supposed to be a long campaign that would eventually end with a war between heaven and hell with the players leading the charge on the pearly gates. We were only allowed to pick from a small selection of races. Mainly those found in hell as well as his own point system for whatever we chose. There were 2 other players, one decided to roll a Hobgoblin and the other was a Troll. I dont remember their classes, but i know one was a spellcaster of some sort.
My DM turns to me and asked, "you haven't played pathfinder before have you?"
"Nope, first time. sooooooo do you think.." He cut me off because he knew what I was going to ask.
"Yes you can, it's why I asked you play. I want to see you play DJ. "
"Are you sure," I asked him,"this character has ruined other DM's stories because they underestimated him."
He gave a look as if I was being sarcastic towards him,"I'm pretty sure I can take whatever he's got."
"ok then," I said knowing he just sign off on the death of his worlds (God). "Which death should he be coming from?"
"Lets say he succedded in his whole absorb God plan from your world but it was too much for him to contain and he died from trying to take in so much power."
"I'll ask again."I put the character sheet down, put my hands together as if I was praying, closed my eyes, took a deep, and looked him dead in the eyes and asked in the most serious tone i could. "Are you absolutly sure? You know what he did as an NPC to get to were he was as in my world. I will not pull any punches. He will consume your god and take over your world."
"He's starting at level one. With nothing but his memories. It's a new world so he has to learn how magic work here. He can keep his memories and yes, i know he has eidetic memory and remembers everything so yes, you will start with max intelligence. But we will roll your race and class." Little did he know that was the nail in the coffin.
A little back story on this character called DJ. The first time I played a ttrpg i met a friend at the park one day cause i was to stay the weekend at his place. He was already in the middle of a game with others at a bench. They were playing Vampire the Masqurade. I was asked if I wanted to join and I said I had no idea how to play. The ST (VTM refers to the DM as Storytellers) pulls out 3 char.sheets already filled out.
"These are NPC's I ended up not using who are here in the club pick one." There was a Gangral paetron, a brujah bartender, and a Malkavian DJ. I chose the DJ cause from the stories I've heard about DnD, I had always enjoyed stories that involved Bards. To make a long flashback short he used dominate through his music. Iniciated a riot, snuck into the back office. emptied the safe, stole the cpu's hard drive and set fire to the server room. (the player were after info on the drive.) I fell in love with the character instantly.
From then on every time I played a tt game, if it was my first time, I played DJ. always asking if he can remember his previous life. Sometimes yes, most of the time no.
In my world where he becomes the BBEG he was already almost godlike by the time he tried to absorb god. Again, long story short, during the story line the God first gets defeated by the players when they use the relic the god gave his generals that let them tap into one of his godly powers. The players used these to seal his powers making him mortal and killed him. DJ used the Matter relic to pull a "Narruto" and make a shit ton of copies of himself and issued each one a power/magic set to master, a subject to study like science, alchemy, history, ect. and an instrament. (He was still very much a bard.) In this world there were mortals and Immortals. Being an Immortal (called so cause once ascended, they no longer age) he didnt take his copies into himself until 200yrs had passed. Basically making him a master of everything in that world. Ok. Back to the main story.
So we rolled to see what DJ was being reborn as in Hell. An orc barbarian. I asked since I was such a huge char. if it was ok if I duelwield busterblades. He said yes but not at first.
We begin our campaign with us being summoned to (i forget her name so we'll call her) the Misstress. A creature with a female body, elongated arms and legs, a mouth with razor sharp teeth and a priestest vail covering the rest of her face. She wore a red dress that looked more like she was bleeding from her shoulders and the blood just so happened to cover her like a dress.
(we did have a little scene where DJ rips out of a mucas sack, realized what happened , fell to his knees and "NNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" the Troll tells me we are being summoned "ok, hold on a sec, OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! *sigh* Ok lets go"
The Misstress tells us a holy light was seen shooting up towards the surface world from a forrest near a village to the south. She believes it could be a becon sent out by a heavenly spy. We are to find the becons source, kill it if nessesarry, and bring back the body. I asked her if I could get a box with your basic alchemic nees such as random samples of the elements from the periodic table, and viles that can safely hold volatile substances safely.
"You havent even been alive for an hour," she hissed at me, "you expect me to beleive that…"
I tell the DM i cut her off by reciting the periodic table in order, in Latin. "what are you?"She asked tilting her head curiously"
"I dont really know myself" I said, "But I have this knowledge in me, be pretty stupid not to utilize it." She looked me up and down as if she was scanning me. She the points to the door opposite to where she sent the others to gear up. I was given exactly what i asked for. plus 6 enchanted viles that could hold anything safely, were indestructible but would shatter upon command. (These are important)
On our way to the village for info on the light we cut through a forst. The trees where an awesome idea that i told my DM i was totally stealing for the demon area in my world. The leaves where fire, the bark coal, and the tree sap was a gel like magma. The DM said this stuff was like magic napalm and needed magic to be extinguished.Each vile did 1d6 damage at first and would get an additional d6 every 2 turns as it spreads maxing out at 5d6.
"Oh hell yeah" I said as I filled all 6 enchanted viles and place them under my And we continue towards the village. When we arrive we are met with glares from the residents. It was a indepent village of orcs who were neutral with the sect we belonged to. Fearing we might be there to pillage or "recrute" or worse, no one was willing to help us. As expected the shops charge us double normal price or not at all. We decide to go to the tavern for a drink while we try to figure out what to do. DJ in bardic fashion, tries to hit on the orc barmaid. Of course, instant rejection companied by a "I'm only interested in stronge orcs, you couldn't handle this" Before I could respond there are screams and loud crashing sounds. A Level 10 cyclops was attacking the village. The Hobgoblin and the Troll head out to try and stop the monster. I turn back to the barmaid and continue our conversation.
"Streangth isn't an issue here, " I said after a swig of my drink, "do you think you…"
"Are you fucking serious?" she exclaimed pointing out the window, "our village is being attacked and your allies are about to be murdered!" I turn and look out the window just intime to see the cyclops backhanding the Troll through a house knocking him unconscious. I wave my hand and turn back to her. "Their fine. They do this all the time. So, you're interested in cyclops huh?" i smiled.
It was at this time both players and the DM were looking at me in a way that mirrored the face I imagined the barmaid was looking at me with. The DM shakes his head and explains how the cyclops sniffs the air and heads towards the smell of fresh bacon, a.k.a. the tavern.
"Oh all right!" I said as DJ downs what's left of his drink and stands up. "If you want something done right…." looking at the now frightened barmaid. "Roof access?" She points to the storage room. I climb the ladder and get onto the roof and take the sword from my back. The Cyclops is eye level with me and had just arrived next to the tavern. DM ask me what do I do.
"I jump off the roof onto the Cyclops driving my sword into his neck trying to get a good footing on his shoulder." DM tells me to roll and i needed an 18 to succeed. I tell him this is my do or die moment and that if i succeed this Cyclops is dead. (Remember, we are level 1 and this Cyclops is Level 10. NO ONE BELIEVED ME) I rolled exactly 18. I land on the shoulder and my blade only goes into his flesh maybe and inch deep. The cyclops looks at me and laughs, "that tickled" So I poke it in the eye.
OOOOOOWWWWWWWWW. The DM tells me how he yells and goes for a grab and ask if I try to dodge.
"No" I say very calmly," I drop 3 viles of the tree sap into his open mouth right next to me and say shatter"
Slowly the other players realized what I just did and look at the DM who is just staring at me. No anger, no emotion at all, just stares at me.
"What?" I questioned
"That was a Level 10, You guys where supposed to relize it was too stronge and help evacuate the town. Killing it at your level was supposedly impossible."
"And what have I said about impossibles in a ttrpg?"
"Hold my beer."
DJ jumps off the cyclops with his sword and heads back into the tavern as the cyclops melts into a flaming pool of goo. He sits back at the bar as the maid set a fresh drink down. He smiles at her and pats his knee raising an eyebrow. She sits. "Oh, can someone check on my colleges? I think they might need some medical attention." (a village druid exstinguished the fire)(DJ is now a lvl5 and I tell the DM I dont want any of the barbarian abilities and would like my old power of creating Illusion Music. DM thinks its stupid since I cant use the music to do anything like a bard and attacks would benifit me more. But I insist and he ok's it.)
The elder shows us where they saw the light the next morning. well he showed the others, DJ was still "entertaining" the barmaid. We leave at noon. Two sessions goes by as we traverse a "normal" forest of dead willows, to a chasm with ruins in the walls. (think a demonic version of Petra.) We fight various demonic creatures, well the other players do. DJ stays out of the fights so the other players can get some xp and catch up. I even tell them he would stay out of the next boss fight and join in if they really needed him to. We eventually find the light's sorce.
I look at my DM with disbelief. "Seriously. Your giving me access to an angel this early?"
"I think this fight will go a little differently." He smiles. "I promise yo''ll have a herder time with this one." I just smile in response and jesture to the other players "Your up."
They begin to tell the angel how resisting is futile and that he should surrender willingly so their present to the Misstress wouldn't be damage. The Angel responds with a snap of his fingers and a low growl come from behind us. We turn around andlooming over us is a Spirit Cerebus. After initiative (i tell the DM i dont roll and willingly go last) my 2 comrads jump into action and attempt to attack the Cerebus. (now, the other players are good friends of mine and the DM. They are great to game with. They roll with the punches. Roleplay like the thespiens they are. And have only complained when they were overlooked or ignored. And even then it wasn't real complaining. That being said, they werent the sharpest tools in the shed.) Their physical attacks passed right through and the spellcaster's spells were too week.(again a level 10. DM apologized to our friends and tells them "it's because of him" jesturing at me. They nod and say "we get it" (This is why I'm usually the GM)
The DM turns to me "and what will DJ be doing?"
"I turn around. Looking right at the angel and I draw my sword. Then promptly place it on the floor. I slowly turn patting myself down to show him I am unarmed. Then holding myup at head level I slowly aproach him and say, "May I sit and break bread with you sir?"
Very confused the angel slowly nods and i sit. I remove the bread i got from the villagers (I forgot to mention we were given bread, wine and cheese for saving the village. ) cut some of the cheese and pour wine into glasses (created by the angel when I realized i didnt have any)
He is about to give grace but I stop him. "Please, allow me" The angel looks taken aback and guestures to go ahead. . I smile and begin. (IRL I put my hands in prayer and close my eyes) Take, O Lord, and receive all my liberty, my memory, my understanding, and my whole will. Thou hast given me all that I am and all that I possess. I surrender it all to thee that thou mayest dispose of it according to thy will. Give me only thy love and thy grace with these I will be rich enough, and will have no more to desire. Amen.
All three are just staring at me never hearing anything religious besides "god Damnit" come from my mouth. "I was forced to go to church and sunday school until i was 9." They shake thier heads and we return to the game.
Back with Hobtroll they are gettin worked, still having done no damage. But now they have the bonus of DJ yelling out "helpful" word of insparation.
"what the hell was that? You never gonna hit it doing shit like! Get up! Do it again. And this time without the fail!"(the player was not ammused)
"We could really use that help now DJ!" the troll yelled as he dives behind a pillarto avoid a breath attack. (i wanted to point out that it was a spirit breath and should go through the pillar but since i was on the opposite side of the screen i decided to let it slide)
"Help?oh, right, on it" I lean towards the angel. "I can get you safely out of hell."
The angel looks at me again with that confused look Dj get from everybody.He waves his hand and the Cerebus vanishes. "Go on."
We converse and hatch a plan which involse the angel removing it's physical body for us to bring back. we will the return and escort the angel (who apparently can just create a new body) to one of the portals that leads to the surface. All I wanted was the angels we are going to meet up with to bring some kind of devine dagger or something that can be considered a weapon. The angel was hesitent to trust us until I suggested he read my mind. After a leangthy explination about what he saw he agreed and we went back to the Misstress. We returned, give her the body and tell her what we agreed to tell her. after we all succeeded in lying to her the DM says to me "I thought DJ never lied"
"just wait" i replied to all three once again giving me that confused look.
The Mistress praises us and says we can go pick 1 item from her vault as a reward and we get 1 week off duty. The others basically book it to the vault as I wait till the door closes behind them. I proceed to tell her that was all a lie. And I tell her the truth, even the part where it was my Idea to trick her. She is on the verge of killing me. "YOU DARE BETRAY ME AND THOUGHT I WOULD PRAISE YOU!!!"
"OH SHUT UP! I AM DONE ACTING NICE TO STUPID CUNT LIKE YOU. I AM GIVING YOU A BACK DOOR INTO HEAVEN! AND IF YOU THINK THAT IS USELESS THEN I'LL TAKE THIS INFO TO YOUR LORD AND TAKE THE CREDIT MYSELF!
She thinks for a moment and returns to her "sweet?" voice. "You are full of surprises arent you …."
"My name is David Jural, but everyone calls me DJ"
"well DJ, this is the start of a mutually beneficial partnership."
"oh Madem,I am but a servant who know what his mistress desires." I said giving a bow,"Only one of us will benifit from our arrangment, and I wouldnt have it any other way. Now my college and have an angel to escort back to heaven. Make sure you send those capable of the job. "
"Oh I plan on going myself. No one but me is to touch that key. I will present it to Lord Mammon personally." I couldn't help but smile at those words.
"Well madem I have a few errends I need to do before we depart. Please be sure the portal guards know we are coming and I will be "dealing" with them when we arrive."
"Yes yes of course. I will go and station myself there and make sure things go smoothly. I will make myself scarce when you arrive but i want to be at the ready when you give the signal. "
"You are 3 moves ahead Madem." and i leave, to go find Mammon.
Now that unfortunatly was the last time we played due to life/relationship problems. I was the only one who came back the next week and my DM asked me what was i planing.
I was going to inform Mammon that the mistress was meating with angels to aquire a devine weapon to "take what is rightfully hers" whatever that ment, just thought her lord ought to know. And inform him how i know. She wants me to take an angel that has been hiding in her domain back to heaven in exchange for said weapon. He was promised a safe return. (didnt say who promised. ) And if he wants proof. just watch the portal to the surface. she is going to distract the guards so we can sneak the angle through. Personally, I thought getting the angels key to heaven would be better for the glory of hell. But no The Angels are bringing a devine weapon of sme kind. And then when we meet up with the angel I was going to tell him about the mistress involvment and what I had planned for her. So we can let the angels know to act like they were expecting her.
My DM just stared at me while I smiled gleefully.
"I told you before. DJ will destroy your plans and make you play his game. And the only ability i used that whole game, was illusionary background music.
"You know what? " He finally said, "I'm glad we aren't finishing this game. And you never allowed to use DJ in my stories ever again."