My Friends Need Lawyers in D&D?!

Perpetually angry elephant man nearly gets 35 to life because he has a sick sense of humor.


I was doing my part as the forever DM for my group of friends running a campaign in the Ravnica setting from Magic the Gathering (get the guildmaster book, pretty good story location). Each of us were comfortably familiar with the story and setting so we had no issues with learning what groups did what or what characters to help or avoid by reputation. We had 1 goblin wizard for the Izzet Science League (or as i like to call it, the Wile E Coyote Engineers Club), one lizardfolk sorcerer for House Dimir (sneaky spies and assasins), and one loxodon druid/barbarian from the Gruul Clans (eco-terrorist anarchists). Normally loxodons are members of the Selesnya Conclave (hippie commune crew) but he had a legitimate story for why this big guy wasn’t so we ran with it.

Anywho, one afternoon the loxodon is walking down one of the millions of streets in the city and gets jumped by a pair of tough guys trying to get a name for themselves taking on a big bad dude like him. It wasnt even a contest, he wiped them across the floor and impaled one into the wall on one tusk. But, he didn’t have an actual grudge against them so he decided to drag their unconscious bodies to one of his guild’s bases to see about getting them healed. Unfortunately this was when an Azorius justiciar (no nonsense magic cops that follow convoluted rules no matter what) spots him dragging what appears to be two near dead victims with blood literally dripping from his face. A short fight ensues ending with the loxodon locked up awaiting trial. His team mates/associates in various ill-conceived missions found out and called on an Orzhov Syndicate member who they helped before and owed them a favor to act as his legal representative. 

First meeting with his new client the Orzhov dude asks for the details of the case from the loxodon, who relates what he remembers, and they discuss a possible defense to bring into the court room, which is officiated by an exceptionally powerful and somewhat telepathic Sphinx who puts up with no nonsense of any kind at all period. 

As the Orzhov guy asks the loxodon for what defense he wants to offer in court the player responds with, and I quote, “I was shooting a snuff film.” Those words so derailed my train of thought I had to stop him there, catch my brain up, and ask him if he actually planned to stand up in court and explain to the jury, prosecution, and the no nonsense rules-are-rules TELEPATHIC SPHINX and say that he was shooting an adult film. As i asked this question however, my train of thought once again hit a penny on the rail in the form of one of the other players quietly saying, “Snuffy, no!” About 15 minutes of laughter and mental trauma later I still could not force myself or the lawyer to go through with that defense so I opted to settle out of court with a combination of the thugs’ already illustrious records of assault and battery, the question of the loxofon’s mental stste from him being apart from his herd for so long, and a massive amount of community service in the form of beating up people that had been able to avoid the Azorius cops for so long. 

I love this game so much in that ANYTHING can happen, up to and including a very special Law and Order parody being played out in my living room.


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