My Sneezing Fit Ruins a Guard’s Life.

Split party: Wild Magic Sorceror rolls a one on a modified magic surge table and switches body with a guard, while avoiding getting taken to a luxury spa.


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Let me preface this by saying this was all our bard's fault. It was only because of him that I was alone and running from the guards by myself. He wanted us all to meet up with scouts on a nearby mountain top to see if the Pharoah of a nearby Egyptian-themed city that was our previous home base had been possessed by demons that were corrupting several neighboring tribes. The Fighter stayed behind wanting to make sure our absentee ranger took over our shiny new orc horde properly, after we supplanted its previous warlock chieftain in a not-so-fair-fight. She also argued that the scouts would report back to us soon anyway so there was really no point. I, as a player, agreed, but my man-child Sorceror was bored as hell politicking and decided to come along on the game of split the party. 

Now when I say that my Half-elf Sorceror was a man-child, I mean that literally. Before the game started I spent a lot of time looking at the wild magic surge table and thinking about what the life of someone who could accidentally explode everything around him would be like. I decided that he's currently only nine years old but aged himself up to 18 physically while still maintaining the mind and outlook of a child in a young adult's body. His main desire for leaving home was to find a way to turn himself back and to "cure" a wooden ball he carries around and is convinced is his polymorphed father. For extra fun, I decided that his surges were tied to his sneezes with any random sneeze leading to insane effects such as instantly roasting a giant eagle he teleported onto the back of. I even bought what was supposed to be a 100-sided die online but I clearly didn't read the descriptions properly as that huge hunk of metal only had 60-sides. Since the vanilla wild magic table only has 50 results anyway the DM allowed me to add some of my own. 

Back to the story. It turns out the Bard wasn't satisfied taking a mountain top view of the city. Why would he be? The guy "inspired" us through economics lectures. So the two of us and an NPC soldier we adopted (the closest thing to a tank without our other two players) scouted the top of the mountain, which quickly became a game of the two squishiest party members interviewing several carts leaving the city, then people in the city, and eventually found us sneaking into the palace itself. I pointed out several times how pissed Mz. Tiefling Fighter was gonna be if we didn't come back soon, and also tried hinting to the player that we really should not engage by ourselves but Economist Bard assured me he was an adult and could get us out of any situation. One well-laid plan later, And he got captured while I escaped by myself.

Well ok, not completely by myself. I was with an NPC we adopted but I abandoned him almost immediately. We holed up for a night in an allied store. At this point, I was the only one on the board and convinced that the Pharoah was possed and I had to get back to my friends at the orc-stronghold by any means necessary. From there we could mount a daring rescue attempt to save our stupid, stupid bard.  The DM told me to roll a perception check which I failed but decided to give myself up to my tides of chaos ability to reroll that check and realize we were surrounded. A bargain that would soon bite me on the butt. Seeing no other options, I apologized to our NPC friend and teleported away. Back in control of the GM he promptly gave himself up. 

I teleported to a nearby rooftop and was almost at the city gates when the DM decided to return to me what I sowed from my careless use of Tides of Chaos. She declared I gave a loud echoing sneeze heard throughout the district and told me to roll my "sneeze die" I dramatically held the metal d60 up to my nose and pretend to sneeze letting it fall. 39: A creature near you becomes poisoned for 1d4 hours. Not satisfied the DM declares that I had activated this effect too recently when it helped us defeat the orc chieftain, and that I should roll again. This time the metal behemoth comes up as a 1. The table is quiet as the DM declares I burst into a full-on sneezing fit. 

The guards heard my first sneeze and come out to surround me right as I let loose a second and begin floating without any means to control it. I try teleporting again to grab a hold of some barrels in the alley to weigh me down. Two more sneezes and the barrels first catch on fire and then are brought to life in that order. They begin rolling around. If they had mouths, I'm sure they'd be screaming. Floating up again when a fifth sneeze lets me understand the chirping of a bird asking why I'm up there. I try asking it to help me out but it declares that I have to learn to fly on my own. Another sneeze and I can begin to feel my body shrinking. I'm becoming a kid again, not as young as I'm supposed to be as I'm only reduced to 13 while still maintaining my nine-year-old mind but it was a lot better than the previous 18. Maybe now I'll actually have time to adjust to puberty. 

Sensing my change in mood the very scared guards decide to talk me down. At this point with both the DM and my own wild magic working against me I decide to fold and tell the guards I'd love to be captured and to wait a minute for both my telekinesis to wear off and then a couple more seconds for the burning hands to also subside. It's at this moment I sneeze again and roll a 57. One of the new effects I created for the d60. I swap bodies with someone within 30 feet of me for the next minute. I created this effect with the intent to royally screw up any combat it was used in. Instead, it meant I was now once again in an adult body. More specifically the body of an Egyptian-style guard with a floating magical half-elf child with flaming hands screaming at a bird right above me. This guard is gonna need therapy. 

But that's not the end. I had one sneeze left which the DM declares comes from the body I'm currently inhabiting. I roll one last time and let out the most normal sneeze in my sorcerer's young life. Nothing happens, at least not in that moment. The real guard begins to float down and is quickly arrested by the others who still aren't aware of why he's screaming, "It's me! Amos!" At least for another 50 seconds before I return to my newly rejuvenated body where I'm only happy to be turned in. Rightfully so too, because as it turns out the Pharoah was not possessed and the Bard had been spending this entire time in a luxury spa which we as a table all knew since he was arrested but my character was learning just now. 

After my arrest, I saw a visibly shaken Amos peel off from the rest of the guards where the DM informs us he's headed to the ancient Egyptian bar to get absolutely hammered. Except no matter how much he drinks he doesn't feel any different. Turns out my last sneeze made him immune to alcohol for the next week. We all laugh and the players who'd been sidelined take turns describing the adventures of the newly traumatized Amos and his rise to become the best drinker in all of Not-Egypt. At least for the next nine days before he then embarrassedly barfs everything up. 

(Was this too long? I can write a shorter version that only includes the sneezing fit) 


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