I’m playing in a "dark and gritty" campaign with a DM who refers to himself as "The Wizard".
In real life he introduces himself as "Real Name Censored -- The Wizard" to everybody even if they don't have a clue what D&D is.
Typical cringey tall lanky neckbeard - not a bad DM but sometimes things get a little creepy and uncomfortable.
He wants everyone to get their edgelord on. I assume my role as the guy who plays what the party is missing. We have a Half-Orc berserker, a Dark Elf Cleric, a Duergar fighter, and a Dark Elf Rogue.
So we need a wizard.
I bust out Barnabus Phalange, a flaming human wizard who loves him some Bigby's hand spells and really bad jokes.
And by flaming I don't mean fireballs.
He’s your typical wizard with the robes and staff and pointy hat, never seen without his disembodied hand familiar, jolly as can be and is more than happy to help people with his powers. But he has just one rather large quirk.
He has zero concept of stealth or subtlety, wears bright pink robes and his Bigby's spells manifest in the same color, overwhelmingly positive and open with absolutely everyone
among a group full of dark and evil characters. He is a blinding beacon of sunshine and happiness.
The party calls him Barney. He thinks it's hilarious and actively encourages it.
DM rolls with it since we need magic and humor, and I'm banned from playing bard.
We begin in a large human city, plotting to overthrow the ruling lord to replace it with someone that will allow the party to do what they want with the place.
Orc and Duergar want to open an arena-slash-tavern. The elves want to create a massive temple to Lolth and start selling slaves like crazy.
And Barney just wants to be the Commissioner for Beautification so he can put flowers and nice fences everywhere. The party agrees due to needing his help, and his plans will make the value of housing go through the roof.
Barney insists that he will directly oversee the arrangement of every single decoration.
"I prefer a… hands on approach."
He high fives his familiar as the Duergar does the same with his face.
They need to find people who want to overthrow the lord and won't tell anyone else.
To the thieves guild!
Get to the building, the rogue is using contacts of "guys she knows" to get us around.
Nobody bats an eye at the edgelords but Barney is getting a lot of weird looks.
Find a minor gang lord and start arguing over contacts and bribes. As broody incorporated is plotting and threatening Barney’s off messing around Mage Handing things off of people and dangling it in the air until they ask-slash-threaten him to return it.
One throws down and tries to fight Barney.
"No need to be so heavy handed."
Barney casts Bigby's Pugnacious Pugilist, rings a brass bell, and a magical pair of fists proceed to beat the tar out of the guy.
His buddy calls it cheating and steps up.
"There was nothing underhanded about that at all!"
Barney directs fists at him - same results.
He takes their coin purses to cover the trouble, leaving enough for them to get some treatment.
The party comes out to see two bruisers unconscious on the floor with Barney still in his chair counting coins and humming to himself.
Stunned, they ask what the hell just happened.
"Oh, we're just having fun. I'm making money hand over fist."
High fives familiar.
Finally get a lead to the BBEG A.K.A our new best friend.
It’s a vampire living in a brothel, where she oversees all her work from there.
The DM is giving far-too detailed accounts of her and her harem. Goes as detailed as her bra size. Heavily implies that they "cater to ALL kinds" while looking Barney (and me) directly in the eye.
The orc fails a check and is instantly smitten with her - doesn't help that the player was too into her as well.
I make a note to be ready for when he betrays us.
The Elves are digging the promises of cheap hookers and drugs. I make a note for them too. And the dwarf is just a jerk. I make a smaller note for him.
The Vampire sends us off on a mission to remove a few key nobles and some guards.
Different party members request different things in order to pull off their plans.
Barney requests for "A few boys who are good with their hands".
Thr DM and Vampire smile and give him half a dozen male prostitutes.
While the rest of the party is sneaking around assassinating enemies, bribing guards, destroying caravans and patrols, overall being a massive pain in the butt for the local government,
Barney and his boys (referred to as the Twink Squad by the party) are off gardening and sewing and generally just fulfilling every gay stereotype known to man.
The DM is constantly trying to get the boys to "give him a hand" but they are always politely reminded that Barney has more hands than he can handle as it is.
The party is getting pissy that the Wizard isn't contributing.
Barney explains to them that he's the perfect front and that he shouldn't get involved. "It's best if there's no blood on my hands".
They grumble and continue doing their thing.
The gang is slowly growing in power, cults to Lolth are popping up, key figures are disappearing, and a lot of trade is slowing down due to "roaming orc(s)".
Duergar has started a massive fight club that the Orc joins in on when he isn't banging the vampire -- which is almost constantly.
The elves have a rather large cult following within the gang and have even attracted more of their kin.
Meanwhile, Barney has been given a seat in the lower council as head of Parks and Recreation, running around fixing up houses and generally making the city more pleasant.
The party thinks he's keeping the public distracted from what they are doing, which is indeed a thing he is causing.
But the elves are annoyed that he keeps adopting all the male prostitutes to come live in "The Handy House" which, while also being exactly what it sounds like, encourages them to take up other careers and better their personal health.
There is even a swimming pool tended by a cleric and a mage. Barney has a lifeguard chair and pulls people out as needed.
Prostitutes and Bigby's Construction Crew are making new houses and buildings whenever the party's shenanigans destroy one and are making ridiculous amounts of money and the public is growing infatuated with Barney "Handyman" Phalange.
A few weeks pass and the Vampire is ready to spring her immaculate trap.
The party helps remove the last of the old supporters for the Lord. Now he's all alone with very few guards and everyone is too busy frolicking through the flowers with the hand-job guy to notice or care.
The party busts in and kills the Lord. There is no longer any form of government - mission accomplished.
Barney hosts a party at the Handy House, now a massive building with an indoor pool and workshops everywhere staffed entirely by male ex-prostitutes. It’s a safe place where commoners take their families to go exercise and have fun.
The party is closed from the public and everyone is celebrating with the gang.
The vampire calls for a toast.
Somehow everyone is amazed when she declares that she has no more need for most of them and she will be assuming the seat of power.
A massive fight breaks out as the non-dominated members go up against the rest.
I use various hands to start knocking people into the pool where they continue fighting each other or drowning from the weight of their armor.
There is water all over the floors, nobody listens to my wet floor signs, and they start slipping and falling all over the place.
The DM is making sure that the Vampire is fighting beautifully without even trying.
I’ve gotten real sick of the Mary Sue fap-fic vampire.
The elves, orc and duergar are all fighting hand to hand in the middle of the pool, trying to stab and drown each other so they can be in charge.
The last of the minions gets finished off and Gorgeous McPerfect sets her eyes on Barney.
She begins to monologue about how he should have been on her side from the start, that there is no way an old wizard can defeat her.
I summon maxed out Crushing Hand.
It grapples her and drags her straight into the pool.
The DM is getting angry as the vampire fails check after check against grapple and crush.
Barney just watches coldly from his life guard chair. "You overplayed your hand."
The vampire dies in an over dramatic and beautiful fashion, dramatically reaching for the surface before sinking to the bottom.
The orc and duergar are both dead - one elf is knocked out and being held afloat by the other.
The elf looks over at Barney as the Hand raises out of the water again.
Barney's smile fades for the first time they have ever seen.
"Time to wash my hands of this mess."
The hand crashes down on the elves, crushing them beneath the water.
The next day the pool is open and clean. The city knows nothing of what happened but they know the Lord went missing.
Barney is elected to lead the new High Council thanks to his many charitable works around the city.
The crime rate is almost entirely gone, the caravan raids have stopped, the city is beautiful and well maintained, and to top it all off health standards have skyrocketed.
And that’s how Gay Gandalf and the YMCA overthrew a vampiric cult and took over the city without the citizens even knowing it happened.