The Niflim Chicken of Doom, aka Poltronus the Unified One

How a series of unfortunate events (or fortunate depending on perspective) caused my most hilarious dnd story to date


I don’t know why we were doing it but the party entered a town and found it abandoned except for some hostile goblins which we quickly dispatch. Me and one of the other party members then decide that the best idea at the time is to raid the inn and get really drunk. A few drinks, some fire and mayhem later a bandit leader comes down the stairs of the inn, a fight ensues and the goblin player makes a break up the stairs. This goblin then loots everything there including a complete cooked chicken, which we learn later is said chicken of doom. The bandit leader also books it upstairs and the goblin decides to jump out the window taking some damage in the mean time. She then asks the DM if eating the chicken will heal her, he says yes but it will take her full actions for a few rounds. She says yes, the DM then has her roll a CON save. Failure, “this chicken is really good and you can’t stop eating it” he then informs her that said chicken is also regenerating as fast as she eats it. The rest of the party rounds the corner of the inn and the bandit leader jumps out the window as well, everyone rolls this CON save DC 18 on their turn, everyone fails. The DM informs everyone that they now have to spend all of their actions and movement to get this chicken and start eating it. This goes on for a bit, people bashing each other for the chicken then someone has the bright idea to slap some mushrooms on it, the DM says that the chicken absorbs the muchrooms and grows them back. Next is some Goodberies from the druid which do the same thing. What really tipped us off was when the Bandit leader’s flying pet snake got knocked out on top of the chicken. The snake then was ABSORBED INTO THE CHICKEN and the chicken grew little fangs. This was when we knew things is bad and one of the party cast mold earth over him and the chicken, stopping us from having to roll saves. The palidin then thinks the chicken must be destroyed, so he bashes the earth mound with his war hammer. The gnome inside the dome gets knocked out. The chicken absorbs him. The DM askes for a WIS saving throw. The gnome succeds. The DM describes as the gnome takes control of the chicken, with this the bandit leader finally is dispached. The party talks to the newly controllable chicken for a bit and we toss him a bag to put himself in so we don’t have to roll. After this we give him the bodies of some goblin bodies to see what happens, the chicken then gains 6 little goblin legs arrayed like a spider around the chicken legs, increasing its speed. Afer that a small bandit army approches the village but there is a moat in the way with a drawn drawbridge. We decide that the best course of action is to chuck the chicken over the bridge and let them fight it out. They do and all kill each other over eating rights and so the chicken gains 2 very ripped and beefy executioner arms, an axe and some executioner robes. Through some more shanigans that I wasn’t there for the chicken gained temperary flight from a ghost and 2 more goblin legs. It was at this point where we name him Poltronus, the Unified one and it was jokingly said that someone should make a cleric or palidin to him as he is honestly very powerful. Any creature that see’s him needs to make a save then try and obtain it by any means nesessary.

The next session comes around and we find the cave where the villagers were taken, said cave was ocupied by many goblins and ogres. After a brief combat we were outmatched and decided to flee. Out comes a big goblin and ogre army intent on killing us all. So Poltronus and the party come to a decision, Poltronus will use his powers to lead away the army while we save the town, we don’t know if we will ever see him again. We then let him go, he flashes the entire army at once, they fail there saves and with Poltronus’s almost 100 move speed because of the goblin legs they would never catch him. Some say he is still running, leading the wicked away from those who do good. In any case, Poltronus the Unified one remained as part of the party’s heart forever.


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