The Tale of the Confused Archer and His Weeb Party.

Our DM always liked to favor humor and coolness in his campaigns over a super serious story. It's a good thing his players do too. Leads to wild one-shots like this.


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Every year, our county has a weeklong fair. Boyscouts from the various troops in the county volunteer and clean up trash while camping on the fairgrounds. Us being boy scouts, we will spend the day playing magic, cards, and most importantly dungeons and dragons.

This year, my close friend Jonah wanted to do a one-shot with all of the inexperienced and new D&D players that were volunteering that year. I knew it was going to be a very fun week after I rolled up my character and saw our party roster. 

We'll start with my character. I created him to be a confused archer. He was a fighter/wizard multiclass. He referred to himself as the greatest archer in the land but charged into battle wielding two shortswords. When he did have to wield a bow, he fired specially (and expensively) made longswords. 

Next, we had our Dragonborn warlock played by my buddy Eddie. He was my archer character's stepson. Then, we had Eli's character. He made a bearfolk fighter who wielded a sickle in one hand and a hammer in the other. His character was appropriately named Putin. Finally, we had the one ripped out of anime. It was a lizard girl bard/warlock. She wielded a two-handed ax that was also a guitar and her patron. We had more in the party but I can't remember them for the life of me. 

On our adventures, we fought criminals and bandits and eventually got kidnapped. We were taken by a noble who lived in a large mansion. We promptly escaped and killed said noble. Putin the bearfolk then proceeded to convince the noble's family that he was the noble but cursed to be a bear. The party then proceeded to divide up the house amongst themselves with my archer taking the top room with a balcony.

The house had a system of pipes to communicate throughout. Days after we took the house, my archer spotted a medium-sized raiding party coming to take the home. Me, being the lore following player that I was, screamed into the pipes "pack your crap boys we're going to Nam." I proceeded to shoot swords at the raiders while the party got ready for a fight while the bard played fortunate son over the pipes. 

My character made quick work of a few raiders with the longsword arrows before attacking with his shortswords. Our Dragonborn flew around attacking from above before breathing acid on a lot of them. Putin went to town on many as they threatened his home and his stolen family. The one that shocked most of us was when our Bard/Warlock threw her ax and decapitated three raiders. Our DM was very generous with the effects of Nat 20s.

After the raiding party was dealt with, our DM decided to through the BBEG at us because he had no plan and it was the last day we would have time for a D&D session. We heard and felt large footsteps coming towards the house. The ground shook and tremored as the sky began to darken. A large, dark castle was advancing upon us with eight large spider legs attached. At the top of the castle was a tower. Residing within was the evil wizard behind it all. The battle was on. 

The party members that couldn't fly were tasked with taking out the castle's legs. Those who could fly were tasked with getting to the wizard. The DM had gifted me a special piece of loot earlier in the campaign, a magic coin with a dragon inscription. I flipped it and a dragon erupted from the small confines of the coin. The dragon carried my archer while our Dragonborn carried Putin up to the tower.

Immediately Putin was knocked from the Dragonborn's grasp and nearly fell to his death. My archer managed to catch Putin and later the Dragonborn as he had been knocked from the sky by the wizard. I somehow managed to roll high enough strength checks to hold on to both of them. I dropped Putin on a safe part of the castle so he could find the wizard and attack from inside the castle. I just let go of my archer's Dragonborn stepson so he could keep flying.

After many rounds of combat and not making any ground with the wizard I came to a realization that hit me like a brick. My archer was also a wizard multiclass with about three magic missiles to burn off. Three rounds later and the wizard lay dead on the floor of his tower balcony with his internal organs turned to mush from three rounds of 3d4 force damage. The rest of the party managed to take out the legs of the castle and it came crashing down, not before Putin was picked up of course.

With the great evil destroyed, we all left to go our separate ways. The bard left to pursue a career in adult dancing (keep in mind the lower body is snake while the upper is a woman). The Dragonborn left in search of more adventure. Putin continued to live in his mansion with the family that he stole from the guy his decapitated. As for the archer, he left in search of the question that plagued his mind from the beginning of the campaign. Was he an archer, a close-quarters combatant, or a spellcaster? The answer was yes.


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