The game is pathfinder 1st edition. And while not technically my first introduction to Dungeons and Dragons esc games, it is my first ever game with this particular d20 based system and the first time I'm playing with more than two people not including the DM. The party is already three sessions in and a good number of rolls have been filled.
The human fighter and half orc barbarian held the tank slots.
A dwarven ranger and gnomish sorcerer held the striker and negotiator slots respectively.
The wizard, well the human wizard was weird. He'd said he was a controller. But never really seemed to cast AOE spells.
The DM told me I could make whatever I wanted, but suggested I play something like a bard, a rogue, or a utility caster of some sort. The party desperately needed someone who could pick locks and disable traps.
Having never played a caster and being intimidated by the sheer volume of magic everyone was capable of I went with an elvish rogue. Cliche I know but hey it was still fun.
So sessions go buy, we level up etc etc, and I start to notice a trend. Our DM likes traps…a lot. with combat encounters scattered about for good measure and I, the rogue, end up running point anytime we enter an area even remotely resembling a dungeon or cave. I was ultimately reminded why the ten foot pole is always a must have on the gear list. I used a long spear it did double duty.
Now I got pretty good at finding and disabling most of the traps…most of them. But I was getting tired of getting dragged into dungeon fights and Minni bosses with less than half my hit points because the fighter wanted to know what the traps did or the wizard 'accidentally' set them off after I would point them out.
Eventually we all got to roughly level twelve. Pretty powerful by all accounts. I even had a couple of magic items, a ring of silence (with a mental command it would make a 20 foot sphere of silence as per the spell, indefinitely centered on the wearer) and getaway boots. These boots can be attuned to a single location and as a full round action will teleport the wearer and all their equipment back to said location. I had to click my heels together and think 'there's no place like home', my dm has a weird sense of humor
Items deemed useless by the rest of the party and given to me out of pity as everyone else had magic weapons and staves and bullshit.
After a week of downtime to heal up and prepare the party stood at the entrance of this long forgotten tomb. With me being the only one carrying all of my gear with me. No one else liked having to deal with encumbrance rules or take a move action to drop their packs at the start of a fight.
So it was my torches that lit the way, my ropes, pitons, and grappling hooks that cleared the traps (that didn't get set off). And my rations that got eaten when we where in the dungeon for longer than expected.
Needless to say I was starting to get irritated.
We make our way to what appears to be the last room in this tomb, a massive circular space 60 feet across with only one way in, guarded by a single trip wire. I can't disable it (I don't roll high enough) I can't figure out what it does, so I point it out and we all carefully step over it and into the room.
The only thing in this room is a stone statue of an angel with its mouth open as it if it where singing.
"I check the room for extra traps", nothing. "I check the walls for hidden doors" nothing.
"I want to inspect the statue", I'm told to wait because the wizard wants to cast detect magic.
He finds that the statue and far wall behind it are enchanted with transmutation magic.
He hadn't prepared dispell magic so that's about all he's good for.
"Can I inspect the statue yet?"
"No" says the DM. "Does anybody else want to do anything?"
"I wanna cut the tripwire" the fighter says
"Are you insane!" I shout
"Maybe the door will open after we deal with whatever trap this is."
"And maybe the room floods with acid and kills us all!"
"Cutting the tripwire" the fighter says
"I go to stop him" I try to say
"You're in the center of the room, and inspecting the statue with the wizard. Everyone make a will save, the statue starts screaming"
We're all paralyzed as the only door slams shut.
Surprise round goes and the statue springs to life attacking myself and the wizard. Initiative is rolled I'm going first, make another will save. Fail, I am still paralyzed I can only take mental actions if I have any available.
"I activate my ring of silence!"
The DM tells everyone they no longer paralyzed merely staggered as the screaming stops.
It's the statues turn, it takes another swipe at me and the wizard. We're both half dead at this point.
The wizard runs for it, getting clawed down by the opportunity attack for his trouble. He falls unconscious.
The fighter and barbarian close the distance and the sorcerer throws a magic missile at the statue, while the ranger pulls out his bow and nocks an arrow.
Everyone starts arguing about what to do. "You need to stay close to it so it's screaming doesn't paralyze us again" the ranger says. The fighter and barbarian like this plan.
I don't, "I'm half dead I'm not staying anywhere near it!"
"We'll revive you with potions it's fine" says the sorcerer
"You mean the potions you left at the inn!" I retort.
And around and around we go arguing and trying to strategize for nearly twenty minutes until I, now thoroughly annoyed say "fine try to kill it on your turns, let's do this"
It's my turn again, I'm no longer stunned. "I take a full round action to activate my boots"
"That provokes an atack of opportunity" the DM reminds me.
"So be it" I say, two claw attacks dealing 1d8+4 each cleave into my rogue.
And with two hit points left he looks the fighter square in the face and says "there's no place like home" (not like anybody heard him though, cuz silence) dissapearing into nothingness
Leaving the party speachless and paralyzed as the statues screaming fills the room once more.
I leave the table to go outside to smoke, and the DM Facebook messages me from his laptop "what does your character do when he gets back to the inn?" And I ponder this for a moment, what would he do? Having narrowly escaped with his life, from a party that has taken advantage of him at every turn,made him keep watch every night 'because he's the elf', and forced to march headfirst into every encounter?
"He'd cut his losses and run" I text the DM. "He'd go through everybody's room, grab everything that wasn't nailed down, stuff it into the sorcerer's spare bag of holding and fuck off into the sunset back to his hometown, rejoin with the thieves guild and never party up with wanna be adventures again"
"Everything?" The DM messages back.
"Everything! Their gear, the notes, the books, the bedding, even the drapes. Anything he could even remotely sell for a couple copper, hell he'd probably try to cash the bounty for this mission to clear the tomb when he leaves saying there was no treasure"
"Want me roll bluff for you?"
"Go for it" I message back
I walk back in to the table and sit back down as the fights wrapping up. The DM looks at me "nat 20 just fwi" and I'm laughing my ass off.
Only the sorcerer and barbarian survived. But they still had to make it back out of the tomb and back into town so the rest of us start rolling up new characters.
And that's where the session gets called, with a group of four old friends sitting in the tavern sharing a drink when a beaten and bloody pair of adventures stagger into the inn, and begin swearing up a storm from their rooms upstairs.