The Time We Performed Open Heart Surgery In a Medieval Abandoned Barn

The return of the min/maxed cowboy from the DM vs. Players Cold Wae


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Hi everyone! I'm really honored that my last story was published. And i want to make some further clarifications:

Its really important to keep in mind that we all did have a heart-to-heart about our issues in the last campaign. All six of us in the group have been friends for years and so we were all able to keep level heads and hear each others complaints. Besides, like I said, it led to some really good stories, so none of us regret it.

One of those great stories has to do with the min/maxed cowboy i mentioned that replaced my div wizard.

Eustace "Goodnight" Grant, quickdraw of the west, toughest cowboy shooter ever. Alert, crossbow expert, sharpshooter, battle master fighter. Eustace pumped out the damage like no one's business, especially with haste cast on him. He was a lot of fun to play, but my eyes were still set on "winning" DND. I still had the DM vs PCs mentality, so i set my eyes on the anti-magic cult mentioned in the last story.

We wound up encountering some of the cultists and tried to loot one of the anti-magic bracelets off of them. Well it turns out that since the bracelet had a needle injected into its wearer's veins, it could detect a heartbeat. and when the heartbeat stopped… the bracelet self-destructed. So i devised a plan.

Our party at this point had a lore bard, a life cleric, a chain hexlock AT rogue, a dragonborn blood hunter, and my fighter. I had proficiency in medicine, and our life cleric had spare the dying.

"Cleric, can you keep spamming guidance on me? im going to try performing surgery on him to get the bracelet on me."

DM: "But as soon as you remove the bracelet it'll sense no heartbeat and explode."

Me: "I know. Thats why I'll need to keep his heart beating. Bard, i need you to inspire me, and Warlock, i need you to take the HELP action to give me advantage. This is gonna be tough."

DM: "Wait so are you going to perform open heart surgery in an abandoned barn in a medieval setting?"

Me: "You better believe it."

DM: "How?!"

Me: "So, Im going to remove his still beating heart, pumping it manually and relying on the life cleric to spam guidance. Then, im going to cut off his hand, remove his veins from his arm, open up my arm, integrate his veins into my own system, then remove his heart once my heart provides the pulse and sew everything shut."

Everyone thinks im a mad man. A wonderful, crazy, mad man.

DM: "You're going to have to roll over a 30 for each of those steps." Reasonable, since this really should be impossible. I've got to give the man credit for putting up with my shenanigans.

I do some math in my head. With advantage and bardic inspiration AND guidance I should barely be able do it if i roll near perfectly each time. 

31… 33… 32… 30!!!!

I am screaming. We are all screaming. I can't believe that just happened. I instal the bracelet onto my arm, and turns out, its also a communication device. We are able to track down some of the cultists and try to start fighting them from the inside. 


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