This is a collection of stories about two orc barbarians who were to stupid to know they were lucky.
About two or so years ago I was invited to a high school to help promote the newly created gaming group. In this event we were going to be doing a collection of one shots. To allow the new players a chance to experience as much of the wacky world of D&D that they can. The way it was supposed to go is that our group of like 25 or so people was split up into 5 tables each led by a DM after all characters were killed or the magic mcguffin collected the tables would rotate DMs and start a new adventure. The Head DM who I have known for about eight years knew I liked to make crazy characters… almost to where he was going to make me a Character sheet and make it as basic as possible. But thankfully I had my friend Jack who I was just getting into D&D so I was given free reign to show the newbies how crazy you can get.
And so Mork was born…. I convinced Jack to create a twin brother from my character and he was named Bork… What started as a Min-Max throw away characters evolved into being BBEGs. Me and Jack put as many points into Strength, Constitution and Dexterity as we could. Our lowest stats by far was Intelligence…. Mine was a 4 and Jack’s was a 5.
Just to give a brief overview of what our Characters accomplished… We challenged Centaurs to a horse race…and won because they didn’t have a horse, Took over the mafia that was running rampant in the Elven kingdoms, Killed more than half of the Player Characters, Outsmarted not one but two demons, Convinced an archmage that we had magical powers and got into a prestigious magic academy, Denied Godhood three times, and then became the BBEG that all twenty of the other Players teamed up against. The total even lasted over two day in total, and by the end only four of the initial characters survived until the end. Mork and Bork, A human Paladin who ascended to Godhood, and an elven Wizard who locked himself in his tower to study magic.
When we started the initial oneshot the goal was to stop an demon invasion by sealing off an interdimensional portal. It was supposed to be easy because I was the only vet at our table of four. But due to dumb luck and becuase I’m evil, We didn’t seal the portal we somehow stuffed into a bag and made a magic bag of Demons.
When we initially began we all started in our perspective hometowns. Mork and Bork started in their tribes lands deep in the savanna. Our first quest was to defeat the murading centaurs that had looted and pillaged many of the orc tribes that dotted the savanna. Now most of the decisions I let Jack decide on our course of action, with him being new and all. When we first met the centaurs Jack wanted to talk to them peacefully… needless to say that didn’t end well. The second time the chief himself made his appearance. Jack decided to try and talk once again but this time he wanted to propose a bet. He wanted to challenge the centaurs to a Horse race. At first I wanted to smack Jack saying. “Dude they are half-horse….they have the upper hand.” But then he leaned over and whispered in my ear. “I challenged them to a ‘Horse’ race…not a Centaur race….they need to attempt to ride a horse.” When the realization dawned on me an evil smile stretched across my face. The DM seeing this slowly began to realize what was said as well. Watching the DM’s face slowly change into a look of terror caused my evil smile to get bigger. The other two new players looked at the exchange between me and the DM with utter confusion. When it was explained to them what we were doing, I swear I saw their brains exploded. After about thirty minutes of debating we had won the argument and Jack then said. “Welcome to the hoard!” This then threw the DM for a loop again because now he had to calculate all the new centaurs that joined the tribe, all the loot they had, and then how much renown we would receive. After that Jack then asked me if it was possible to bring the other orc tribes into our hoard. At first I was about to say no I don’t think they had that planned….but I stopped because THIS is what D&D was about. The randomness, the crazy things that can happen on the fly. I looked at Jack with the evil grin that was still plastered on my face and said. “Yes…Yes we can.” The next hour and half was spent growing our hoard. Tribe after Tribe we showed that we had subdued the mighty Centaurs . Most joined immediately, others we had to fight the chiefs to take over. After we had basically made a new kingdom in the savanna we met up with the other two players….our hoard captured them when pillaging a caravan. Now that the DM had got all of us together we began our epic quest proper. And then derailed the plot straight into the ground…. See Mork and Bork weren’t ones to research…or scout. They were more about killing and looting. The only reason why we got involved is because the other players lied to Mork and Bork saying that if they raided the kingdom the Demons took over…they would get lots of gold and exotic gems. This caused Mork and Bork to use the hoard to raid and pillage the neighboring kingdom causing more headache for the DM because he had to keep track of all the tribes and what they looted. All the while me and Jack took Mork and Bork on a Demon killing rampage. When they reached the capital city Mork and Bork’s hoard had nearly doubled in size, gaining goblins, ogers, kobolds and other variety of monsters, They even had a minotaur or two. But once they reached the Capital Mork and Bork got split off from the other two players and became trapped in a succubus’s trap. Jack once again decided to try and talk his way out of the situation we were in. Jack made a bet with the Succubus that if Bork could last and satisfy her for ten minutes she would let them go…if not they would stay and fight for her. One round later and a lucky roll later Mork and Bork won the bet. After that I saw an opportunity to gain more followers. I wanted to persuade the succubus to follow us and join our hoard. After a heated debate we succeeded in gaining a small haram of succubi, a gaggle of imps and four hellhounds. When we caught up to the other two players the capital was turned into a battlefield… Mork and Bork’s hoard versus the demon army. When we made it to the citadel we were forced to fight a greater demon. He was tasked with guarding the portal and as long at it remained open he couldn’t be killed. After about an hour of combat I asked the DM if somehow we could force the portal into an empty bag, Essentially making a bag of holding. After a few minutes of silence the DM agreed but with the condition that if they didn’t succeed they all would die. Well the Dice-gods must have been watching because when I saw my clattering dice stop on a nat 20 I almost flipped the table. The DM was stunned and asked how I wanted to end the battle. I said. “I hold my hand out to the greater demon and tell him he is my servant now because I hold the portal in my bag.” The DM didn’t have me roll, he said I auto succeeded. After the Epilogue the DM asked me and Jack what we planned next. We told him that since Mork and Bork didn’t die they will continue to loot and pillage until the next adventure that catches their eye.
And that’s just the start of the crazy adventure. A pair of orc twins went from defeating the centaurs to becoming leaders of a massive hoard with a demon portal in a bag