The Tale of the Illiterate Child-Puncher

Every time my friend said something stupid – which, in this scenario, was OFTEN – I’d slap his PC in the face.


This was my first D&D session. I played a CG ranger and my friend played an LG fighter. We were playing Hoard of the Dragon Queen, escorting a wagon of something or other (I forget what it was, but it was not important). We got attacked by a few goblins, dealt with them pretty quickly. The cleric died of a heart attack out of nowhere, but we didn’t question it because he wasn’t playing anymore.

We came to a town and I found a shop where I could deposit the wagon. While I was explaining to the storeowner how our cleric died out of nowhere and our bard basically ran off to a tavern somewhere, my friend decided to give a history lesson to a six year old girl and maybe find the location of the store? (Which, mind you, I had already found.) Obviously, being a six year old girl and not giving a damn about the history of her own town, she ran off to play Tiddlywinks. So he did the logical thing and punched the child in the face. He did 30 non-lethal damage (or it could have been 3, I forget, it was a year ago) and knocked the kid out cold. He got captured and stayed in jail for a day while I got free food and lodging for my services to the shopkeep.

But this guy wasn’t done. As soon as he walked out of the jail, he pulled down his pants and *pissed on the guards.* Long story short, we weren’t exactly welcome in that town after that. Our DM was getting noticeably annoyed with my friend’s antics at this point. Plus, our bard died of a heart attack.

After a few minutes of walking, we came across a tent. Inside was a storm cleric Halfling NPC by the name of Irky Timbers. (We didn’t question the Gnomish naming, mostly because I didn’t KNOW the naming was Gnomish.) We found out that the little girl was Irky’s second cousin (which garnered a glare from my ranger, which Irky approved). Every time my friend said something stupid – which, in this scenario, was OFTEN – I’d slap his PC in the face. At one point, he tried to physically attack Irky, completely forgetting the Halfling had a STORM GOD to help him. Irky called down lightning on my friend’s character, rendering him illiterate. He said some other stupid thing a minute after he woke up, I slapped him again, standard procedure. This time, however, he got really pissed and tried to incinerate everyone around him, including my newfound canine companion, whom I befriended while my friend was asleep. We mostly got off with a few bumps and bruises, somehow. (A high dex helps.) The GM, a little more than annoyed, decided to flat out change my friend’s alignment from Lawful Good to Chaotic Neutral.

A kick in the nuts from Irky and a long rest later, we managed to find a trail leading off into a cave. Blah, blah, fighting fighting fighting, Halfling in plate mail armour falling every time he tried to scurry up a hill, wolves, more fighting, not important.

We inevitably ended back in that same town, the one we were barred from. Luckily, we weren’t detained upon entry (or at least, he would have been, I would have been okay). My now CN friend took this opportunity to try and drown a child by a fountain. He snuck up on the kid and tried to stick the kid’s head under water. Key word being tried. I rolled an opposed Athletics check and, despite my strength being 0, I won by one point. My scrawny-ass elf managed to tackle a hulking Dragonborn. He wound up in jail (AGAIN), I got 5GP, and a free night’s lodging for my services.

We actually wound up in court with my friend as the defendant. Apparently, and I gathered this by the fact that the judge said they had an official missing for the last two weeks. We were completely unaware of this. Regardless, the trial still had to go on. My fighter friend wound up with a choice: 20 years in prison, or trial by combat against the girl he punched. He took the trial by combat, but was completely unaware of the fact the town had a rule: any combatant may be replaced by a member of their family. So the six year old girl got replaced by her storm cleric cousin.
The fight was over in about five seconds. My friend ripped up his character sheet, I shook hands with Irky, and the session ended because I was the only PC left.



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