DnD Story #37


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Just picked up the game with some friends, only one of us had any real experience playing DnD. We started with the 5e Starter campaign Lost Mines of Phandelver. The party was ambushed along the road by some goblins, and after the ensuing fray our Human fighter asked if he could check the bodies for loot or anything useful. After I said yes he rolled to see what he found he promptly informed me that he wished to cut the penis off the goblin. After a little bit of laughter our warlock suggested he roll to see how big the goblin penis would be and after a discussion about how big goblins are we came to the consensus that he should roll a D4 and add 2. It’s at that moment our Dwarf Fighter with very questionable morals decided to place a wager to see who could “loot” the largest goblin penis that night. So being the DM I decided that whomever kills a goblin lays claim to its penis. Flash forward a few hours, they have called completely cleared the Goblins hideout and walked out with no less than 17 goblin penis between the 3 of them(the dwarf had manage to win the $150 gold from the wager he made with the the other two).

So a few sessions have gone by with and our party was getting ready to go to the Cragmaw Castle and our warlock that it would be a good idea for everyone in the party to don the cloaks they took from the Redbrands except for the Dwarf, who would be their be posing as their prisoner. As the approached the castle they are met at the entrance by a few goblins. As I’m role playing the goblins I ask “who are you and why are to here” and the respond mentioning that they have a Dwarf who has been causing problems for the Cragmaws, so I role play the goblins “Wait, is that the dwarf who has been cutting goblin penises off?”, after noticing a goblin penis fashion to his helm and a necklace made of penis around his neck. That is how every goblin in the castle reacted upon crossing paths with the dwarf. Towards the end of the encounter in the castle he successfully passed a strength check with resulted in him ripping the penises from two goblins and used them to choke the Doppelgänger by shoving them both into its mouth causing it to eventually die from choking to death because I couldn’t make a saving throw for my life.


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